Comedic Relief

catt · July 18th, 2006 10:20 PM

I've been AWOL from the ISM forums for quite some time, as my life has become a bit of a powderkeg of frustration of late. I'm quite obviously the Fool King Of Dumb Ideas, as planning a rapidly-approaching wedding, a Visa application and an international relocation all in the same month has proven to be the most fammoth and stressful of Almost Impossible Tasks. I'll be lucky to have any hair left on my head by the end of August...and let's not even begin to debate why any sane person would be paying $1700 to relocate their bloody cat.

(She's not even a purebreed)

So I need some rather hardcore cheering up, anything to amuse me and stop me from taking a hacksaw to my wrists. More specifically, I want you to bare your darkest and most embarrassing (or unusual) sexual social scenarios to me, so that I may get my jollies from your humiliation. If it helps, I'll start with one of my (many, many) own, although I do warn you, it's kinda... G-Rated;

To set the scene, I'm rather socially awkward, and somewhat of a hermit to boot. It had been many, many years since I'd ever had the need to purchase condoms, but somehow I found myself in the bathroom condiments aisle at the supermarket attempting to do just that. Buying condoms is somewhat like buying tampons - modern marketing has made it so that you have plenty of options. Too many options. They're all so colourful, and inviting, and pretty, like candy. Each shiny packet boasts a seductive, serpentine promise..."Buy me, I'm longer lasting!", "Buy me, I glow in the dark!", "Buy me, I'm ribbed for your pleasure... andI'lldoyourtaxes". My eyes glazed over, and I was starting to sway with hyperdelia, when a family approached the shelf I was standing at to buy band-aids. Mum, dad, two small kids. Irrationally, I felt like an utter pervert - should I stay and make my hurried choice, or wander off, pretending that I was really there for Listerine?

Luckily, the decision was made for me...when the little girl up and barfed on my shoe. The moral to my tale could be one of 4 things;

1) Advertising Is Evil
2) Little Girls Are Evil
3) God Disapproves Of Condoms, And Will Punish You Accordingly
4) Make Your Bloody Purchase, Catt, And Get The Hell Out Already. Sheesh.

Your choice *S*

xxCattxx

blissed · July 19th, 2006 02:17 AM

Lol ........Sometimes cats leave their new house and make the long journey back to their old one. I hope your cat hasn't got any little thoughts in it's head like that Actually super markets regularly change the stock around so when you go to buy some condoms they've moved and you have to go and ask an assistant where the new location is. or you can walk up and down the isles for half an hour pretending your looking for shampoo. Well I was looking for KY jelly actually but I was walking around for a little while, until I found a male assistant and I asked him where the condoms are, so he'd think I was a stud and not a wanker that uses Ky jelly There. Is that humiliating enough for you!! Sometimes your just really cruel aren't you

Oh, and if your going to America you'll need one of these, especially if your gonna live there (there may be an ad to skip)
http://www.motherjones.com/news/exhibit … lcome=true

And this is just plain silly but it's here
Armadillo cam
http://www.anivegvideo.com/Armadillo.html

.

paintjam · July 19th, 2006 02:23 AM

catt wrote:

I've been AWOL from the ISM forums for quite some time, as my life has become a bit of a powderkeg of frustration of late. I'm quite obviously the Fool King Of Dumb Ideas, as planning a rapidly-approaching wedding, a Visa application and an international relocation all in the same month has proven to be the most fammoth and stressful of Almost Impossible Tasks. I'll be lucky to have any hair left on my head by the end of August...and let's not even begin to debate why any sane person would be paying $1700 to relocate their bloody cat.
(She's not even a purebreed)
So I need some rather hardcore cheering up, anything to amuse me and stop me from taking a hacksaw to my wrists. More specifically, I want you to bare your darkest and most embarrassing (or unusual) sexual social scenarios to me, so that I may get my jollies from your humiliation. If it helps, I'll start with one of my (many, many) own, although I do warn you, it's kinda... G-Rated;
To set the scene, I'm rather socially awkward, and somewhat of a hermit to boot. It had been many, many years since I'd ever had the need to purchase condoms, but somehow I found myself in the bathroom condiments aisle at the supermarket attempting to do just that. Buying condoms is somewhat like buying tampons - modern marketing has made it so that you have plenty of options. Too many options. They're all so colourful, and inviting, and pretty, like candy. Each shiny packet boasts a seductive, serpentine promise..."Buy me, I'm longer lasting!", "Buy me, I glow in the dark!", "Buy me, I'm ribbed for your pleasure... andI'lldoyourtaxes". My eyes glazed over, and I was starting to sway with hyperdelia, when a family approached the shelf I was standing at to buy band-aids. Mum, dad, two small kids. Irrationally, I felt like an utter pervert - should I stay and make my hurried choice, or wander off, pretending that I was really there for Listerine?
Luckily, the decision was made for me...when the little girl up and barfed on my shoe. The moral to my tale could be one of 4 things;
1) Advertising Is Evil
2) Little Girls Are Evil
3) God Disapproves Of Condoms, And Will Punish You Accordingly
4) Make Your Bloody Purchase, Catt, And Get The Hell Out Already. Sheesh.
Your choice *S*
xxCattxx

well as i don't think this is quite the sexual scenario, here goes.

i was traveling across the state in which i live and needed gas and REALLY had to have a tinkle.

of course this was the only gas station at the exit and the women's room was quite gross.

so, i assumed 'THE POSITION' a lady will use to have a 'tinkle' without actually touching the seat.

well just as i was about finished emptying my bladder, my car keys slip out of my back pocket and into the toilet. to make matters worse, gross as this place was, it was an auto-flush toilet.

now you have heard about us all being able to perform 'super feats' when the situation beckons, you know being able to lift a car to save a loved one, that type of thing. well i moved faster than supergirl to reach into this gross bowl and rescue my car keys before they disappeared into the truck stop depths (oh my, just imagine what is down there.....).

at least the sink worked and i was able to wash off the experience.

the moral of this story...never ever put your keys in a back pocket when you have to assume 'the position' ladies.

actually because of this incident i purchased a product called 'the whiz away'
http://www.whizproducts.co.uk/en/whiz_freedom.aspx

yes ladies now it is possible to write your name in the snow or sand peeing....;)

luv
jamie

paintjam · July 19th, 2006 02:33 AM

blissed wrote:

Lol ........Sometimes cats leave their new house and make the long journey back to their old one. I hope your cat hasn't got any little thoughts in it's head like that Actually super markets regularly change the stock around so when you go to buy some condoms they've moved and you have to go and ask an assistant where the new location is. or you can walk up and down the isles for half an hour pretending your looking for shampoo. Well I was looking for KY jelly actually but I was walking around for a little while, until I found a male assistant and I asked him where the condoms are, so he'd think I was a stud and not a wanker that uses Ky jelly There. Is that humiliating enough for you!! Sometimes your just really cruel aren't you
Oh, and if your going to America you'll need one of these, especially if your gonna live there (there may be an ad to skip)
http://www.motherjones.com/news/exhibit … lcome=true
And this is just plain silly but it's here
Armadillo cam
http://www.anivegvideo.com/Armadillo.html

.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
i bet we have all made up stories when shopping for certain items.
teehee
jamie

alisha_x · July 19th, 2006 02:54 AM

Ah yes - memories of the isle of wight festival literally 'flooding' back there paintjam lol.

I have a fairly good sex catastophie story so here my best

I was going out with a cutie of a girl about 5 years ago - we used to sneakily have sex in her bedroom without her flatmates knowing as she hadn't come out (and all the sneaking about is fun when your teenage)

So far so good...

One summer day we were well into a 69 in her single bed when she sneezed and kneed me in the face - the result i had the typical scream and try to curl up 'knee jerk'reaction - kicking her in the face in the process!

All this was pretty loud by now and one of her flatmates tried to come in to see what all the screaming was about - we both tried to jump up to push the door (and him) back - this failed and instead he got in and had a good view of us falling off the bed - still head to toe and naked onto the floor...

I was traumatised for ages lol

blissed · July 19th, 2006 03:04 AM

Lol...:)

nikkibrand · July 19th, 2006 05:55 AM

paintjam wrote:

well as i don't think this is quite the sexual scenario, here goes.
i was traveling across the state in which i live and needed gas and REALLY had to have a tinkle.
of course this was the only gas station at the exit and the women's room was quite gross.
so, i assumed 'THE POSITION' a lady will use to have a 'tinkle' without actually touching the seat.
well just as i was about finished emptying my bladder, my car keys slip out of my back pocket and into the toilet. to make matters worse, gross as this place was, it was an auto-flush toilet.
now you have heard about us all being able to perform 'super feats' when the situation beckons, you know being able to lift a car to save a loved one, that type of thing. well i moved faster than supergirl to reach into this gross bowl and rescue my car keys before they disappeared into the truck stop depths (oh my, just imagine what is down there.....).
at least the sink worked and i was able to wash off the experience.
the moral of this story...never ever put your keys in a back pocket when you have to assume 'the position' ladies.
actually because of this incident i purchased a product called 'the whiz away'
http://www.whizproducts.co.uk/en/whiz_freedom.aspx
yes ladies now it is possible to write your name in the snow or sand peeing....;)
luv
jamie

This product is awesome!!! I must get one!

blissed · July 19th, 2006 06:10 AM

Yeah if theres a big que for the ladies and I see you standing next to me in the gents I'll kow exactly what your doing and why your there

.

paintjam · July 19th, 2006 08:01 AM

nikkibrand wrote:

This product is awesome!!! I must get one!

YES NIKKI IT IS AWESOME.

no more snakes in the grass.
no more bug bites on the behind.
no more keys in the bowl at a truck stop teehee

and
they are form fitted....;)

luv
jamie

paintjam · July 19th, 2006 08:03 AM

blissed wrote:

Yeah if theres a big que for the ladies and I see you standing next to me in the gents I'll kow exactly what your doing and why your there
.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

nikkibrand · July 19th, 2006 09:47 AM

paintjam wrote:

YES NIKKI IT IS AWESOME.
no more snakes in the grass.
no more bug bites on the behind.
no more keys in the bowl at a truck stop teehee
and
they are form fitted....;)
luv
jamie

No more accidentally peeing on your own pants and shoes while taking a squat!

maxi · July 19th, 2006 12:29 PM

Sexual catastrophie stories - where do I start. I pretty much manage to humiliate myself everytime I try to impress any new boys. I think the main problem is that I usually feel the need to pretend to be some kind of hot shot (to compensate for un hot shotness) and when I struggle opening the condom wrapper the illusion is ruined and I turn into a fumbling mess. At best this if funny, at worst I unintentionally inflict some sort of pain. I did once headbut an unsuspecting fellow who ended up with a blood nose. Very sexy!!

catt · July 19th, 2006 01:04 PM

blissed wrote:

Lol ........Sometimes cats leave their new house and make the long journey back to their old one. I hope your cat hasn't got any little thoughts in it's head like that Actually super markets regularly change the stock around so when you go to buy some condoms they've moved and you have to go and ask an assistant where the new location is. or you can walk up and down the isles for half an hour pretending your looking for shampoo. Well I was looking for KY jelly actually but I was walking around for a little while, until I found a male assistant and I asked him where the condoms are, so he'd think I was a stud and not a wanker that uses Ky jelly There. Is that humiliating enough for you!! Sometimes your just really cruel aren't you
Oh, and if your going to America you'll need one of these, especially if your gonna live there (there may be an ad to skip)
http://www.motherjones.com/news/exhibit … lcome=true
And this is just plain silly but it's here
Armadillo cam
http://www.anivegvideo.com/Armadillo.html

.

You know the whole 'put butter on your cat's paws and it won't run away' wives' tale? It actually works, oddly enough. I think the theory is that if the cat is in a strange environment, and is forced to do something as domestic and steeped in comfort as cleaning, it'll recognise that this is its new home. Or something. The only problem is getting your cat to sit still long enough to apply the spread. It can be highly amusing, and very, very dangerous.

I'm typically not shy about making such purchases...but my social awkwardness doesn't really help matters. Back when I was a gawky goth outcast at a country highschool, I'd wear tampons all tangled up in my (huge, matted) hair. These days, I'm just a little jumpier out in public.

Thanks for the links hon - the Voodoo Bush will certainly come in handy, but the Armadillo link didn't work for me. So hopefully I won't get leprosy.

xxCattxx

catt · July 19th, 2006 01:09 PM

paintjam wrote:

well just as i was about finished emptying my bladder, my car keys slip out of my back pocket and into the toilet. to make matters worse, gross as this place was, it was an auto-flush toilet.
now you have heard about us all being able to perform 'super feats' when the situation beckons, you know being able to lift a car to save a loved one, that type of thing. well i moved faster than supergirl to reach into this gross bowl and rescue my car keys before they disappeared into the truck stop depths (oh my, just imagine what is down there.....).
at least the sink worked and i was able to wash off the experience.
the moral of this story...never ever put your keys in a back pocket when you have to assume 'the position' ladies.
actually because of this incident i purchased a product called 'the whiz away'
http://www.whizproducts.co.uk/en/whiz_freedom.aspx
yes ladies now it is possible to write your name in the snow or sand peeing....;)
luv
jamie

I've dropped a mobile phone into the lavvy before - it didn't even hit the sides, just plonked right in, neat as a hole-in-one. I knew there was no rescuing it, so thankfully I didn't have to reach in and get it. Still, these are the perils of public restrooms. I have had to stagger - pants 'round ankles - into another stall for loo paper, though, and that's always a pleasant experience.

And that contraption you linked to? "Women are now free to enjoy a normal, active life and stop organising their lives around their bladders." Wow. I didn't even realise I was abnormal to start with

Although I've always wanted to pee off a bridge. It's the first thing I'd do if I woke up one day with a penis.

xxCattxx

catt · July 19th, 2006 01:10 PM

alisha_x wrote:

Ah yes - memories of the isle of wight festival literally 'flooding' back there paintjam lol.
I have a fairly good sex catastophie story so here my best
I was going out with a cutie of a girl about 5 years ago - we used to sneakily have sex in her bedroom without her flatmates knowing as she hadn't come out (and all the sneaking about is fun when your teenage)
So far so good...
One summer day we were well into a 69 in her single bed when she sneezed and kneed me in the face - the result i had the typical scream and try to curl up 'knee jerk'reaction - kicking her in the face in the process!
All this was pretty loud by now and one of her flatmates tried to come in to see what all the screaming was about - we both tried to jump up to push the door (and him) back - this failed and instead he got in and had a good view of us falling off the bed - still head to toe and naked onto the floor...
I was traumatised for ages lol

...

That's probably the best Coming Out story I've ever heard! *grins*

xxCattxx

catt · July 19th, 2006 01:12 PM

nikkibrand wrote:

No more accidentally peeing on your own pants and shoes while taking a squat!

Women certainly are at a bit of a disadvantage when drunk, or camping. I've always envied the boys who can duck down an alleyway or behind a tree for a quick peep. I definitely need loo paper or a substitute for such a scenario, but luckily I have the bladder fortitude of a camel (in reverse...or something).

xxCattxx

catt · July 19th, 2006 01:15 PM

maxi wrote:

Sexual catastrophie stories - where do I start. I pretty much manage to humiliate myself everytime I try to impress any new boys. I think the main problem is that I usually feel the need to pretend to be some kind of hot shot (to compensate for un hot shotness) and when I struggle opening the condom wrapper the illusion is ruined and I turn into a fumbling mess. At best this if funny, at worst I unintentionally inflict some sort of pain. I did once headbut an unsuspecting fellow who ended up with a blood nose. Very sexy!!

<---pretty much manages to humiliate myself every time, boys involved or not.

And I'm also a total klutz in the bedroom. If you haven't had to call an ambulance, you're not really having fun.

Max, when are you going to do a pictoral tutorial for ISM or IFM on how to rip a condom packet with your teeth? We could get you a labcoat and a stack of bananas...

xxCattxx

maxi · July 19th, 2006 01:21 PM

catt wrote:

Max, when are you going to do a pictoral tutorial for ISM or IFM on how to rip a condom packet with your teeth? We could get you a labcoat and a stack of bananas...
xxCattxx

Oh no I shouldn't be giving tutorials - I only know how to rip the packet AND the condom with my teeth!

SCSIgirl · July 19th, 2006 02:08 PM

catt wrote:

I've been AWOL from the ISM forums for quite some time, as my life has become a bit of a powderkeg of frustration of late. I'm quite obviously the Fool King Of Dumb Ideas, as planning a rapidly-approaching wedding, a Visa application and an international relocation all in the same month has proven to be the most fammoth and stressful of Almost Impossible Tasks. I'll be lucky to have any hair left on my head by the end of August...and let's not even begin to debate why any sane person would be paying $1700 to relocate their bloody cat.
(<<<snipped for brevity>>>
Your choice *S*
xxCattxx

OK. Let's see if I can send Catt a tatt to cheer her up.

SCSIgirl · July 19th, 2006 02:10 PM

catt wrote:

I've been AWOL from the ISM forums for quite some time, as my life has become a bit of a powderkeg of frustration of late. I'm quite obviously the Fool King Of Dumb Ideas, as planning a rapidly-approaching wedding, a Visa application and an international relocation all in the same month has proven to be the most fammoth and stressful of Almost Impossible Tasks. I'll be lucky to have any hair left on my head by the end of August...and let's not even begin to debate why any sane person would be paying $1700 to relocate their bloody cat.
Your choice *S*
xxCattxx

O.K. How about this???

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a cheque. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. Without skipping a beat, she looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, and says, "Well, that's great! Just great! Some asshole's got my pen."

SCSIgirl · July 19th, 2006 02:26 PM

catt wrote:

I've been AWOL from the ISM forums for quite some time, as my life has become a bit of a powderkeg of frustration of late. Your choice *S*
xxCattxx

Oh, you want REAL stories. I don't think I can top Auntie LaLa. Auntie was my sister friend in college. That is, we were very close buddies and shared all our secrets, but were not sexually involved. I think I may have told this one before.

At any rate, Auntie was out on a date and figured she liked this guy enough to jump him when she got the chance. After dinner at the resturant, she excused herself to the restroom. Locking herself into the confines of a stall, she pulled out a diaphram, jellied the edges of it, folded it in half and attempted to insert it into the place dark enlightenment. But she had so much jelly on the thing, it fired out of her hands, out under the stall door, and into the center of attention of all the occupants of the restroom. Finally one courageous soul stepped up to the challange and kicked it back into the stall.

With a demur "Thank You" (there was nothing demur about Auntie) she took a wad of TP and picked it up, wrapped it and dropped it into the tampon disposal bin. She then sat for about 20 minutes to make sure there was a COMPLETE changeover of personel in the room. With a stroke of boldness, she exited the room posthaste, making NO eye contact with ANYONE.

I don't remember if that poor guy got any that night or not.

SCSIgirl · July 19th, 2006 02:32 PM

catt wrote:

...
That's probably the best Coming Out story I've ever heard! *grins*
xxCattxx

More like a 'falling out' story.

catt · July 19th, 2006 03:49 PM

SCSIgirl wrote:

OK. Let's see if I can send Catt a tatt to cheer her up.

...but SCSI...where does the milk come out?!

*shocked*

xxCattxx

catt · July 19th, 2006 03:50 PM

SCSIgirl wrote:

O.K. How about this???
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a cheque. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. Without skipping a beat, she looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, and says, "Well, that's great! Just great! Some asshole's got my pen."

You're one of the few people I've met who can actually tell a joke with good delivery. Please apologise to my computer monitor for the coffee bath.

xxCattxx

catt · July 19th, 2006 03:59 PM

SCSIgirl wrote:

Oh, you want REAL stories. I don't think I can top Auntie LaLa. Auntie was my sister friend in college. That is, we were very close buddies and shared all our secrets, but were not sexually involved. I think I may have told this one before.
At any rate, Auntie was out on a date and figured she liked this guy enough to jump him when she got the chance. After dinner at the resturant, she excused herself to the restroom. Locking herself into the confines of a stall, she pulled out a diaphram, jellied the edges of it, folded it in half and attempted to insert it into the place dark enlightenment. But she had so much jelly on the thing, it fired out of her hands, out under the stall door, and into the center of attention of all the occupants of the restroom. Finally one courageous soul stepped up to the challange and kicked it back into the stall.
With a demur "Thank You" (there was nothing demur about Auntie) she took a wad of TP and picked it up, wrapped it and dropped it into the tampon disposal bin. She then sat for about 20 minutes to make sure there was a COMPLETE changeover of personel in the room. With a stroke of boldness, she exited the room posthaste, making NO eye contact with ANYONE.
I don't remember if that poor guy got any that night or not.

You people have nothing on me. I was telling Max/i about this one earlier, but I might as well share here.

I had a terrible flu on top of having my period, and had finally managed to drag my sorry arse out of the house to do some grocery shopping. I threw on an old slip and some moccasins (you people think I'm kidding when I say I'm a hobo) and went down the street. It was about an hour later when I realised there was a HUGE tear in the back of my slip...so that all my co-shoppers had gotten a lovely eyeful of my giant nanna-ish period knickers with a huge sanitary pad flapping to the wind. And none of them had thought to bring it to my attention, either.

And no, I wasn't aware of it at the time. My excuse was that I was very, very ill.

How's THAT for humiliating!? I'm the King, baby.

xxCattxx

#1 July 18th, 2006 10:20 PM

Comedic Relief

#2 July 19th, 2006 02:17 AM

Re: Comedic Relief

#3 July 19th, 2006 02:23 AM

Re: Comedic Relief

#4 July 19th, 2006 02:33 AM

Re: Comedic Relief

#5 July 19th, 2006 02:54 AM

Re: Comedic Relief

#6 July 19th, 2006 03:04 AM

Re: Comedic Relief

#7 July 19th, 2006 05:55 AM

Re: Comedic Relief

#8 July 19th, 2006 06:10 AM

Re: Comedic Relief

#9 July 19th, 2006 08:01 AM

Re: Comedic Relief

#10 July 19th, 2006 08:03 AM

Re: Comedic Relief

#11 July 19th, 2006 09:47 AM

Re: Comedic Relief

#12 July 19th, 2006 12:29 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#13 July 19th, 2006 01:04 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#14 July 19th, 2006 01:09 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#15 July 19th, 2006 01:10 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#16 July 19th, 2006 01:12 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#17 July 19th, 2006 01:15 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#18 July 19th, 2006 01:21 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#19 July 19th, 2006 02:08 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#20 July 19th, 2006 02:10 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#21 July 19th, 2006 02:26 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#22 July 19th, 2006 02:32 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#23 July 19th, 2006 03:49 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#24 July 19th, 2006 03:50 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

#25 July 19th, 2006 03:59 PM

Re: Comedic Relief

Board footer