#1 January 15th, 2006 06:57 PM

scrimshaw

Member

Sex in long-term relationships

I've been with my girlfriend for over ten years now, and just in the past year and a half, her interest in sex has dwindled to nearly nothing. Before that, we made love every week or so, with gusto; we tried out a lot of different things and treated each other to regular orgasms. She especially made out well on this point, with the help of the trusty Hitachi Magic Wand, she'd come upwards of 20 times in a single session, once reaching 35 times over the course of couple of hours.

But in the past year, there have been periods of as long as three months where we don't have sex, or even fool around, regardless of my suggestions and prompts. Currently, it's been two and a half. In that time, I've given her orgasms when she's needed it, for headaches, but haven't received reciprocation. I talked to her about it a few months ago, pointing out the change, and wondering what the reason was. She had a lot of excuses, but mainly said that she simply doesn't feel like it very often anymore.

It's hard for me to accept this, and also hard for me to accept that she wasn't very forthcoming with thoughts on how to improve things. Sex doesn't seem to matter to her anymore, and my concerns and needs didn't seem especially important either.

So beyond my relating this sob story, my question is this: does it seem typical for a woman to genuinely lose interest in sex after a long time in a relationship? She's 34 now, could age play a part? (Though I always thought this was supposed to be the sexual peak..) The one thing that has changed in the past year is that we now are together nearly all day, we both work at home and have moved to an area where we don't know many people, could it be that familiarity really has bred contempt? Any suggestions? It's hard for me to adjust to this, and it's hard for me to imagine a future together where intimacy has all but disappeared.

dmbhead

Member

Re: Sex in long-term relationships

I bet if you let her read your thoughts on this post, she may come to better realize you need to understand what's happening, or at least allow you to help her confront whatever issue it may be. That's all I got, sorry.

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What the duece?

overslacked

Member

Re: Sex in long-term relationships

I've been with my girlfriend for over ten years now, and just in the past year and a half, her interest in sex has dwindled to nearly nothing. Before that, we made love every week or so, with gusto; we tried out a lot of different things and treated each other to regular orgasms. She especially made out well on this point, with the help of the trusty Hitachi Magic Wand, she'd come upwards of 20 times in a single session, once reaching 35 times over the course of couple of hours.

But in the past year, there have been periods of as long as three months where we don't have sex, or even fool around, regardless of my suggestions and prompts. Currently, it's been two and a half. In that time, I've given her orgasms when she's needed it, for headaches, but haven't received reciprocation. I talked to her about it a few months ago, pointing out the change, and wondering what the reason was. She had a lot of excuses, but mainly said that she simply doesn't feel like it very often anymore.

It's hard for me to accept this, and also hard for me to accept that she wasn't very forthcoming with thoughts on how to improve things. Sex doesn't seem to matter to her anymore, and my concerns and needs didn't seem especially important either.

So beyond my relating this sob story, my question is this: does it seem typical for a woman to genuinely lose interest in sex after a long time in a relationship? She's 34 now, could age play a part? (Though I always thought this was supposed to be the sexual peak..) The one thing that has changed in the past year is that we now are together nearly all day, we both work at home and have moved to an area where we don't know many people, could it be that familiarity really has bred contempt? Any suggestions? It's hard for me to adjust to this, and it's hard for me to imagine a future together where intimacy has all but disappeared.

TALK to HER. Not that I'm one to give LTR advice, but, I would venture that the breakdown in sex was preceded by a breakdown in communication.

If your girlfriend has started taking antidepressents or changed pills, either of those (and especially a combination of the two) can obliterate her sex drive.

If she won't talk to you, ask her to go to couples therepy with you.

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Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes; art is knowing which ones to keep. - Scott Adams

voyeur2

Member

Re: Sex in long-term relationships

You don't mention what you have been doing lately, or what you did before, but I think part of the problem is the stress of lots of change over a short time.
Another possibility is that something happened some time back that injured her desire for, trust in, lust after you.  And she doesn't care / dare / desire to talk about it.
It is surely a long term relationship killer, and maybe that is the whole point?

Or a punishment?  The silent treatment?

Go alone to a counsellor and see if you can get some clues on how to begin commuications again.

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Have I ever lied to you before?

scrimshaw

Member

Re: Sex in long-term relationships

It has been a tremendously stressful year - we moved to a new country, actually, and are having a house built as well. How's that for an albatross on a relationship? I could see this affecting things, though in her reaction to my raising the issue before, it seemed so matter-of-fact that it has either affected her desire unconciously, or she is hiding something deeper. It's a little frightening to think about what voyeur suggested - perhaps my getting frustrated is the point, or a punishment? - it's a possibly I hadn't considered, but it is a possibility.

Funny, I'm seized by the same panic that probably everyone feels when thinking about therapy. "What, me? Talk to some suit about my own damn feelings?" As you all have suggested, I do need to raise it for discussion with her again (I think before we move to therapy), but I'm not quite sure how to approach it. I feel like I want to set an ultimatum - a love relationship without intimacy feels so incomplete, I know I simply can't continue like this forever - but that would probably be the worst thing to do.

I appreciate the replies. It's good to know I'm not just a crazed horndog, and that it ain't natural to reach this point, ten years together or no.

Part of the reason I love coming to this site, and the forums, is seeing and hearing from women who enjoy sex fully. It gives me hope!

gala

Member

Re: Sex in long-term relationships

you identified the fact that you and your partner are always together now, always home, etc.  from my own experience, i've found that the more someone is around, the more fickle my sexual habits with them tend to be.  if she is someone who needs some alone time or values her solitude, maybe you can try to give her more of that.  i tend to feel crowded and like things are too intimate when someone is around me 24 hours a day, which makes me feel less intimate sexually.  like i want to maintain some sort of boundaries between us because my space is cramped.  but i also agree with everyone else here that you need to get her to discuss it with you, because it is a change that you didn't initiate and at the very least you need to be kept in the loop about why it occurred.  but with your move and all maybe you're just in a rough patch that you can talk your way out of.  but it's very important for her to discuss it, i think.

scrimshaw

Member

Re: Sex in long-term relationships

Well, I determined that I was going to talk to her about it last night, somehow. I decided to prompt the issue a bit by plugging in the vibrator and letting it rest on the bed, as a sort of conversation starter. It definitely did start the conversation, a few orgasms later, and in fact we ended up breaking the dry spell with a modest but nice little lay! We didn't talk in depth about it as perhaps we should have, I basically just pointed out that it's been over two months and begged her not to make me wait that long again, to which she expressed surprise that it had been that amount of time. I think it was progress, at least in that the infrequency is now something we can converse about without it being the elephant in the room that slowly drives me nuts.

I appreciate the replies, I know this forum isn't generally a self-help/relationship advice sort of thing but every single comment did help me out, at the very least in gaining me some confidence to do something. I'm surprised that nobody chimed in with a sentiment like "Nobody has sex after ten years together", I think that's a common perception in the general public but then again, most of us are probably here because we see sex as a healthy and positive thing and aren't so inclined to follow the traditional attitudes.

cheers all!

mzungu

Member

Re: Sex in long-term relationships

Good for you, Scrimshaw-  I thought of offering some comments before, but chickened out.
But now I can’t resist:
I just received my  Feb issue of the National Geographic and the cover article, believe it or not, is  "Love, The Chemical Reaction"  !

I generally don’t read much in them, just feel I should support them as I do ISM for similar ethical reasons, (as well of course as selfish ones) but I figured I should study this one carefully, as a veteran of some decades of success and failure in that department!

Re Love, apparently there are actually folks out there who have attempted to figure out how it actually works - and with some success! ( find a news stand or library, it is very interesting, and explains how some behaviour can stimulate the chemical cues that put “things” back in motion, so to speak.)

Take-home message: You are right on track, make the effort, give and receive some orgasms, and work on the communication, strange & wonderful things may develop and re-kindle.

Before reading that article, I was thinking of offering some ideas that I have gleaned  over time- so I guess I will go ahead anyway:

First, though it takes some effort to keep a relationship going, it is usually worth it and MUCH better than giving up and trying to start all over- losing all that history at the very least! 

I also think that a great danger and misconception is that "romance" (don't they really mean good sex, bottom line?) should be "spontaneous."  i.e., you should not have to "work" at it.  Wrong!  If you both wait for that to happen, waiting for the OTHER one to break out the wine, candles, music, lingerie - what ever- you will ultimately fail- each mistakenly thinking that the other has lost interest, until both eventually actually do.  I have heard of couples, particularly parents -  which obviously makes it that much more difficult to be "spontaneous" -  making appointments, or dates, well ahead of time- even if it means hiring a sitter, or sending the progeny off to friends or relatives, or booking a hotel- even nearby.  Not only does this elevate the "quality time" to an acknowledged priority level and assure that there actually is TIME for it, but the anticipation greatly adds to the pleasure...   

And yes, I think the other posts are right on, and certainly the major stresses you are dealing with, as well as the constant exposure to one another is putting huge negative pressure on the relationship.  I may as well admit it, I am smack-dab in the middle of the “Boomer Generation” (still cannot imagine where the decades went, or that many of my peers are grandparents, for heaven’s sakes! – I remain a Darwinian failure – thus less in touch with the passage of time it seems - I'm also a Yank, currently in the North East U. S. of A. if anyone is curious) and I have noticed lately bits and pieces here and there about “retiree divorces” – after years of relatively happy marriage, when the old man comes home to stay they drive each other nuts!

Well, guess I’ve had way more than my two cents worth here, but I just want to support your effort and lend what ever scraps of help I may.

Cheers-  Mz

scrimshaw

Member

Re: Sex in long-term relationships

I appreciate this, Mzungu, it's helpful indeed. It's good be reminded that a relationship takes work...believe me, there are times when it becomes very tempting to throw it all away, try out being single again, finding someone who's on my sexual wavelength more often, etc. But I know I'd miss what i have. And hell, it took long enought to find someone who'd put up with me for three months, let alone a decade.

A few years back, we had a scheduled "orgasm night", each Monday, and we would trade off devoting the evening to pleasuring the other. Might be time to resurrect that!

thanks a lot, all.