pick me up

liandra_dahl · December 19th, 2005 03:50 PM

I'm feeling a little bit sad today...so I'm making requests for humour, I know there happens to be some very funny people on the fourm, Cat being my #1 funster. So... any jokes, anecdotes, miscellaneous funny happenings... anything to lift me out of this funk of morbid lethargy...please

SCSIgirl · December 19th, 2005 05:24 PM

liandra_dahl wrote:

I'm feeling a little bit sad today...so I'm making requests for humour, I know there happens to be some very funny people on the fourm, Cat being my #1 funster. So... any jokes, anecdotes, miscellaneous funny happenings... anything to lift me out of this funk of morbid lethargy...please

OK..... Why are tits like toy trains?

Well, they were intended for the kids, but Dad is usually playing with them.

Or, how about this...... we could re-paint your bathroom floor:

SCSIgirl · December 19th, 2005 05:27 PM

liandra_dahl wrote:

I'm feeling a little bit sad today...so I'm making requests for humour, I know there happens to be some very funny people on the fourm, Cat being my #1 funster. So... any jokes, anecdotes, miscellaneous funny happenings... anything to lift me out of this funk of morbid lethargy...please

OK. How about this for my lady and all our buds here at the forum.....

http://holidays.blastcomm.com/holidays03.html

Love ya , L.

catt · December 19th, 2005 11:37 PM

liandra_dahl wrote:

I'm feeling a little bit sad today...so I'm making requests for humour, I know there happens to be some very funny people on the fourm, Cat being my #1 funster. So... any jokes, anecdotes, miscellaneous funny happenings... anything to lift me out of this funk of morbid lethargy...please

In the other online place I lurk about, I'd quite easily find you a few images that would inspire some type of horror-laughter, possibly resulting in a necessary change of knickers - however, should I post such images here I'd be sure to be booted off the forum.

How about I bake you some cookies, and send them Express Post? Or, I could deliver them..?

Cheer up, chicken.

xxxCattxxx

Belgareth · December 20th, 2005 03:48 AM

liandra_dahl wrote:

I'm feeling a little bit sad today...so I'm making requests for humour, I know there happens to be some very funny people on the fourm, Cat being my #1 funster. So... any jokes, anecdotes, miscellaneous funny happenings... anything to lift me out of this funk of morbid lethargy...please

Stolen from another web site;

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

wantingscott · December 20th, 2005 05:18 AM

here goes:

Christine asked me yesterday what i want for Christmas. I said "world peace". She said "No, something that comes in a box" I said "I know something i want that would come in a box." "What?"

"To make love to you, Baby."

"A vagina is a box that a penis comes in" -Dice

Belgareth · December 20th, 2005 05:30 AM

wantingscott wrote:

here goes:
Christine asked me yesterday what i want for Christmas. I said "world peace". She said "No, something that comes in a box" I said "I know something i want that would come in a box." "What?"
"To make love to you, Baby."

"A vagina is a box that a penis comes in" -Dice

That's definitely better than the old chestnut of "What's grey and comes in buckets?"

Belgareth · December 20th, 2005 05:36 AM

The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was wanking.

"Oh my", said the Queen, that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?

"The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly.

"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow-job.

"Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA".

mikhaill · December 20th, 2005 11:55 AM

Belgareth wrote:

That's definitely better than the old chestnut of "What's grey and comes in buckets?"

An elephant?

So ...what's brown and sticky?

mikhaill · December 20th, 2005 11:56 AM

SCSIgirl wrote:

http://holidays.blastcomm.com/holidays03.html

Cynic that I am, I kept expecting a screaming zombie to suddenly appear.

SCSIgirl · December 20th, 2005 02:27 PM

liandra_dahl wrote:

I'm feeling a little bit sad today...so I'm making requests for humour, I know there happens to be some very funny people on the fourm, Cat being my #1 funster. So... any jokes, anecdotes, miscellaneous funny happenings... anything to lift me out of this funk of morbid lethargy...please

True story. When a shjow comes to town, we rent forklifts, manlifts, etc. One of the big rental companies out here is called "Big 4 Rents". (We don't know what the 4 is). When they rent the snorkle lift, which is a long arm articulated man lift, and we are in a mischevious mood, we send the snorkle back with a modified name.

We cut the leg off the "R" and the wings off the "T". We take one of the wings from the "T and superscript it after the "4". And, voila, we have "Big 4' Penis".

Yea, we have too much time on our hands.........

SCSIgirl · December 20th, 2005 02:31 PM

mikhaill wrote:

An elephant?

So ...what's brown and sticky?

Please don't start elephant jokes.... or Mommy, Mommy jokes.... or blonde jokes.

mikhaill · December 20th, 2005 02:34 PM

No no.

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

Belgareth · December 20th, 2005 05:05 PM

SCSIgirl wrote:

Please don't start elephant jokes.... or Mommy, Mommy jokes.... or blonde jokes.

Fear ye not those records are all played out!

wantingscott · December 21st, 2005 06:10 AM

ever listen to the soccergirl incorporated podcast?
she did this whole show (while taking a bath. a "bathcast") where she read a story about a smurf orgy.
it's hilarious, and i would reccommend Liandra check out podcastalley.com

"smurfette's smurfy smurfbox was wet and ready for more..." she read in a VERY sexy, purry voice.

jdudley76 · December 21st, 2005 11:55 AM

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and the asks "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly,

"So............. ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

jdudley76 · December 21st, 2005 11:59 AM

Go to Google. Type in "Miserable Failure" Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button that takes you to the first result. I think you will be amused.

jdudley76 · December 21st, 2005 12:01 PM

Declaration of Revocation
by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Kansas, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

jdudley76 · December 21st, 2005 12:02 PM

Sorry, I'm on a political humor kick. ;o)

SCSIgirl · December 21st, 2005 12:03 PM

wantingscott wrote:

ever listen to the soccergirl incorporated podcast?
she did this whole show (while taking a bath. a "bathcast") where she read a story about a smurf orgy.
it's hilarious, and i would reccommend Liandra check out podcastalley.com
"smurfette's smurfy smurfbox was wet and ready for more..." she read in a VERY sexy, purry voice.

This is just for the other half of Scott, and maybe it will crack the Liandra doldrums too.

Two Italians were arguing on a train. (Note that they were NOT Sicilians. There are no Sicilian jokes. You have never heard a Sicilian joke..... at least not twice.) Finally one Italian gets louder and tells his tormentor: "NOa! NOa! NOa! Youa got ita all wrong! It goa like thisa:

Emma come first!
Then I comea.
Then the two essa come together.
Then I comea againa.
Then the two a essa comea together again.
Then I comea a fifth time anda peea a twice,
Thena I comea again a onea lasa time.

Anda THAT's how a you spella Mississippi.

liandra_dahl · December 21st, 2005 01:06 PM

in 20 short messages (or not so short Jdudley but well worth the read)

liandra_dahl · December 21st, 2005 01:14 PM

so thank you guys for the efforts, feeling much better!

liandra_dahl · December 21st, 2005 01:17 PM

hmmm....funny choice of pictures can hardly tell the difference really, but if you look closely you'll see the second is a happy one.... I think...I guess it's a fine line between pleasure and pain...

mikhaill · December 21st, 2005 01:29 PM

liandra_dahl wrote:

hmmm....funny choice of pictures can hardly tell the difference really, but if you look closely you'll see the second is a happy one.... I think...I guess it's a fine line between pleasure and pain...

No, it's cool, I could almost hear the happy gurgle in the second picture just from the thumbnail.

SCSIgirl · December 21st, 2005 02:59 PM

liandra_dahl wrote:

hmmm....funny choice of pictures can hardly tell the difference really, but if you look closely you'll see the second is a happy one.... I think...I guess it's a fine line between pleasure and pain...

Dear Leandra, on December 24th, when a fat guy comes down your chimmney and tries to throw a bag over you, don't beat him. He's just doing his job. I told him I wanted you for Christmas.

(It's OK, Zille..... I'll share)

#1 December 19th, 2005 03:50 PM

pick me up

#2 December 19th, 2005 05:24 PM

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#3 December 19th, 2005 05:27 PM

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#4 December 19th, 2005 11:37 PM

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#5 December 20th, 2005 03:48 AM

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#6 December 20th, 2005 05:18 AM

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#7 December 20th, 2005 05:30 AM

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#8 December 20th, 2005 05:36 AM

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#9 December 20th, 2005 11:55 AM

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#10 December 20th, 2005 11:56 AM

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#11 December 20th, 2005 02:27 PM

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#12 December 20th, 2005 02:31 PM

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#13 December 20th, 2005 02:34 PM

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#14 December 20th, 2005 05:05 PM

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#15 December 21st, 2005 06:10 AM

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#16 December 21st, 2005 11:55 AM

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#17 December 21st, 2005 11:59 AM

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#18 December 21st, 2005 12:01 PM

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#19 December 21st, 2005 12:02 PM

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#20 December 21st, 2005 12:03 PM

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#21 December 21st, 2005 01:06 PM

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#22 December 21st, 2005 01:14 PM

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#23 December 21st, 2005 01:17 PM

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#24 December 21st, 2005 01:29 PM

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#25 December 21st, 2005 02:59 PM

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