#1 October 16th, 2005 06:27 PM

Merricat

Member

Advice question - cheating partners

This isn't anything to do with my current experiences, but it's been on my mind:

Is it always a bad idea to stay with a partner who has cheated on you? What if they have cheated on you more than once (not many times, but not just once)? Does that change things?

It's a weird thing for me to think about. Firstly because I am the type that believes that nothing is ever black and white, and that in most cases (especially with relationships, love or not) you can never say that one thing is "always" bad or "always" good. And I have also cheated on a partner before (twice, with the same person), and will always be grateful that that partner decided to stay with me afterwards (we're apart now but for different reasons), because I never did it again. And I don't think I ever COULD do it again, my guilt actually lasted longer than any bad feelings that partner had about it!

But then, when I was in the situation of being cheated on, I just felt in the back of my head that I must have been an idiot to stay. And many of my friends told me that I shouldn't stay.

So, what are your opinions?

blissed

Member

Re: Advice question - cheating partners

I think that once someone has cheated just once. then something has been lost forever and the relationship has changed. I think it's better to say, if you ever want to play with someone else, then tell me. Some people don't naturally fit into a monogamous relationship but it's best if people can be honest about that, then there is no actual cheating. But to have that freedom you must practice safe sex properly, not just male & female condoms but dams and gloves as well. (sounds like your getting dressed up to clean the toilet:)
I think if you can maintain a long honest loving supportive relationship (that's a bit of a long list, and a bit unlikely) then your lucky and I'm always a bit jealous of people who have that.

mikhaill

Member

Re: Advice question - cheating partners

There's never one right, single answer.

Once cheating has occurred, the relationship has changed, and the rules have changed.

I think it's a pretty solid reason to leave a relationship -- there are few better single, definite get-out-of-jail-free reasons to leave a relationship than being cheated on. If you stay, it's either because you believe that you (and the relationship) can adapt and survive, or because you're a naive sucker. Both may well be possible.

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Witty one-liner encapsulating powerful insight.

Belgareth

Member

Re: Advice question - cheating partners

This isn't anything to do with my current experiences, but it's been on my mind:

Is it always a bad idea to stay with a partner who has cheated on you? What if they have cheated on you more than once (not many times, but not just once)? Does that change things?

It's a weird thing for me to think about. Firstly because I am the type that believes that nothing is ever black and white, and that in most cases (especially with relationships, love or not) you can never say that one thing is "always" bad or "always" good. And I have also cheated on a partner before (twice, with the same person), and will always be grateful that that partner decided to stay with me afterwards (we're apart now but for different reasons), because I never did it again. And I don't think I ever COULD do it again, my guilt actually lasted longer than any bad feelings that partner had about it!

But then, when I was in the situation of being cheated on, I just felt in the back of my head that I must have been an idiot to stay. And many of my friends told me that I shouldn't stay.

So, what are your opinions?

We have been round this loop before with Jing and others. I don't argue that life isn't black and white but various shades of grey. However, in any relationship the various shades of grey have mean the same thing to both partners. My position is simple; if you feel like you want to try your hand elsewhere, no matter how fleetingly, your partner has a right to know that you feel that way. I have been married twice and I have had a fair few relationships on top of that but I have made it clear to each and everyone of my partners that they should tell me if they are unsettled or just fancy a quick fling (a change is as good as a rest they say). I have only once objected vehemently to an indescretion and that was because it brought an attendant problem back with it - crab lice - so I don't think I was being unreasonable.

If you feel guilty about having cheated then you are not really the cheating kind and I am not surprised that you felt bad about it for so long afterward. I think that you answered you own question about someone cheating on you, although I don't know the chronology between you cheating and being cheated but you should always trust you feelings about someone. They may not be the sort of person that your head felt they were but there will always be doubt, if you have felt that way at all. Once mistrust enters a relationship it will never exit. It may simmer unseen and unheard for a long time but it will ultimately come to the surface again at some point.

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voyeur2

Member

Re: Advice question - cheating partners

This isn't anything to do with my current experiences, but it's been on my mind:

Is it always a bad idea to stay with a partner who has cheated on you? What if they have cheated on you more than once (not many times, but not just once)? Does that change things?

It's a weird thing for me to think about. Firstly because I am the type that believes that nothing is ever black and white, and that in most cases (especially with relationships, love or not) you can never say that one thing is "always" bad or "always" good. And I have also cheated on a partner before (twice, with the same person), and will always be grateful that that partner decided to stay with me afterwards (we're apart now but for different reasons), because I never did it again. And I don't think I ever COULD do it again, my guilt actually lasted longer than any bad feelings that partner had about it!

But then, when I was in the situation of being cheated on, I just felt in the back of my head that I must have been an idiot to stay. And many of my friends told me that I shouldn't stay.

So, what are your opinions?

As you mature towards your first serious relationships and marriage, it is natural to be tempted by a bit of greener grass.  It is also rare to find a single relationship that fulfills ALL sexual social needs.  So a bit of side action is always a temptation.
If it is acknowledged that it might happen, that it must happen in a safe way if it does, then it would not be cheating in my book.  It might also be sgreed that the side action be - unannounced or discreet.
If it turns out to be a frequent flyer type a thing - I refer you to Liandra or Zille to be the Agony Aunt.
Polyandry is a whole 'nother trip.  I could take a ticket on that boat.  I think.

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Have I ever lied to you before?

Merricat

Member

Re: Advice question - cheating partners

The funny thing is I have been in completely open relationships before and loved it. But I tend to want monogamy in some relationships/times and openness in others. For example with my current partner I'd like to be able to tell him I'd be completely comfortable with him sleeping with other people, but I know in the back of my head that it would make me sad.

jdudley76

Member

Re: Advice question - cheating partners

This isn't anything to do with my current experiences, but it's been on my mind:

Is it always a bad idea to stay with a partner who has cheated on you? What if they have cheated on you more than once (not many times, but not just once)? Does that change things?

It's a weird thing for me to think about. Firstly because I am the type that believes that nothing is ever black and white, and that in most cases (especially with relationships, love or not) you can never say that one thing is "always" bad or "always" good. And I have also cheated on a partner before (twice, with the same person), and will always be grateful that that partner decided to stay with me afterwards (we're apart now but for different reasons), because I never did it again. And I don't think I ever COULD do it again, my guilt actually lasted longer than any bad feelings that partner had about it!

But then, when I was in the situation of being cheated on, I just felt in the back of my head that I must have been an idiot to stay. And many of my friends told me that I shouldn't stay.

So, what are your opinions?

I think the key to answering the question of whether you should stay is how badly were you hurt, and do you think they would do it again knowing it would hurt you that badly.

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"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."   - George W. Bush, as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002

Merricat

Member

Re: Advice question - cheating partners

I think the key to answering the question of whether you should stay is how badly were you hurt, and do you think they would do it again knowing it would hurt you that badly.

I am hurt, though not as much as I could be. And I think the person would tell me if it happened again, though if it did I think I'd have to leave.

Once can be an "oops" but more than once seems like it must mean something.

SCSIgirl

Member

Re: Advice question - cheating partners

This isn't anything to do with my current experiences, but it's been on my mind:

Is it always a bad idea to stay with a partner who has cheated on you? What if they have cheated on you more than once (not many times, but not just once)? Does that change things?

>>>   snipped for brevity <<<<
So, what are your opinions?

Sorry for the late response, Merri, I just came off a whole string of 16-20 hour days.  My thought process is still kinda fuzzy.  (OK,  it's fuzzier than norm).

"Cheating" is a matter of perspective.  I have already related the story of Linda G who considers herself definately lesbian with a live-in lover but who still goes out once or twice a week to "get her hormones balanced".

The same day I met Linda,  I also met Corrie Caine,  an unknown/wantabe porn actress.  Corrie claims to be strictly hetro and she has a live-in bf.  However,  because she doesn't want to "cheat" on her bf,  she only wanted to do girl-girl scenes.  Well, is this cheating??  By odd chance I recognized her on the cover of a VHS at the local store some months later:  she had done her first commercial video.  In it she did her first anal and was quite pained about it.  Yet she didn't do vaginal sex.  Was this because it was "cheating"?

Everyone has a different take on "cheating".  Which makes me wonder just what cheating is.  Swinger groups have members who's spouses who do not want to participate.  They still love their spouses.  They go home to them after the parties and tell the stories.  The outside sex is just recreation.  Kinda like going to the gym on a up close and personal level.

This whole guilt thing is difficult to wash from our blood.  Zille has achieved it admirably.  (where is she, anyway?)  I believe you must find what makes YOU happy.  You will always bend some to accomdate a partner who does not have the same views.  But in the end,  YOU are the only one you have to live with.

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"Apple of my Eye", "bated breath", "brave new world", "caught red-handed" - all coined by Shakespeare.