#1 October 2nd, 2005 11:28 PM

Jing

Member

Dilemma

Hey guys

I know we've been thru this before... but tell me again wat everyone thinks.....

Is meeting someone at a party and going out for a short stroll... a few cuddles and a few smooches and hugs considered cheating.... when you boyfriend is inside half drunk and only realises the girlfriend is missing when someone tells him?

well this new guy is quite sweet and cute and handsome..... and he was the only one that wasnt drunk and could talk to me like a normal person, be open and be nice to me..... so... i kinda like him... it feels back to those days when you have puppy crushes and you're so excited and nervous all the time....

Is this consider cheating on my current boyfriend? or do most guys consider going all the way on the sex part to be cheating?

Appreciate comments
Jing

Belgareth

Member

Re: Dilemma

Hey guys

I know we've been thru this before... but tell me again wat everyone thinks.....

Is meeting someone at a party and going out for a short stroll... a few cuddles and a few smooches and hugs considered cheating.... when you boyfriend is inside half drunk and only realises the girlfriend is missing when someone tells him?

well this new guy is quite sweet and cute and handsome..... and he was the only one that wasnt drunk and could talk to me like a normal person, be open and be nice to me..... so... i kinda like him... it feels back to those days when you have puppy crushes and you're so excited and nervous all the time....

Is this consider cheating on my current boyfriend? or do most guys consider going all the way on the sex part to be cheating?

Appreciate comments
Jing

Oh dear Jing, my first comment is that I feel that you are still searching for something and you haven't found it yet.

The issue of "cheating" on your partner can only be decided by both you and your partner. If you consider that what you did isn't cheating and your boyfriend think that it is cheating, then there is no agreement. As has been said before, in the forum, it is a case of BOTH partners agreeing.

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jdudley76

Member

Re: Dilemma

Belgareth is right. It's about what the couple agrees is cheating. But it's also about deception. If you knew that what you did would hurt your boyfriend if he knew, and you did it anyway, then it's cheating. If you thought he'd be fine with it, then it's not. As weird as it seems, you really have to talk about it beforehand if you think there's any chance you might want to do something that you think might hurt him (and the same thing goes for him obviously). If the two of you agree it's not cheating, it's not. If you agree it is, then it is. If you don't agree, there's trouble. Also keep in mind, the rules don't have to be the same for both of you. You may feel comfortable with him doing things he doesn't want you doing, or vice versa, and that's ok, as long as you agree on the rules.

If you want to get really in depth, try reading a book called "The Ethical Slut".

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"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."   - George W. Bush, as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002

liandra_dahl

Member

Re: Dilemma

If you want to get really in depth, try reading a book called "The Ethical Slut".

I don't know about Jing but the title of that book sounds irresistable. I'm off down the library now. Thanks jdudley76.

Jing

Member

Re: Dilemma

thanks for the helps guys....

honestly, the guy might be just playing me.... coz he said he'll call me 2day ( well technically not today... but i said call me on monday or something and he said he will call me this week ) but he didnt call me yet 2day....

so... i dun wanna risk asking my boyfriend wat he thinks 'cheating' is... well he did say kissing someone else will be cheating...... n i think that too, but I am still doing it. Maybe there is nothing for me in this relationship anymore for me to be able to do that. Usually in the past 2 years, i havent looked at any one before... and now I find someone and I'm having those girly puppy crushes on this guy who might be playing me.

should i wait and see if he calls? secretly I am hoping that we can get together and maybe go out for one or 2 times to determine if we can hang out.... but at the same time, going out means that i really have to tell my bf what is happening and if i wanna break up with him.

im not interested in the sex or anything... i just like someone to be able to be there for me and i dunno if this guy can do it. But if he can pick up girls and just forget htem so easily, then he might do that to me too! ah well

liandra_dahl

Member

Re: Dilemma

thanks for the helps guys....

honestly, the guy might be just playing me.... coz he said he'll call me 2day ( well technically not today... but i said call me on monday or something and he said he will call me this week ) but he didnt call me yet 2day....

so... i dun wanna risk asking my boyfriend wat he thinks 'cheating' is... well he did say kissing someone else will be cheating...... n i think that too, but I am still doing it. Maybe there is nothing for me in this relationship anymore for me to be able to do that. Usually in the past 2 years, i havent looked at any one before... and now I find someone and I'm having those girly puppy crushes on this guy who might be playing me.

should i wait and see if he calls? secretly I am hoping that we can get together and maybe go out for one or 2 times to determine if we can hang out.... but at the same time, going out means that i really have to tell my bf what is happening and if i wanna break up with him.

im not interested in the sex or anything... i just like someone to be able to be there for me and i dunno if this guy can do it. But if he can pick up girls and just forget htem so easily, then he might do that to me too! ah well

Jing,

everyone does things differently but personally I don't think you should be with your boyf if you're looking elsewhere. Is it that you don't like the idea of spending anytime single so you need to have someone to move on to as soon as you end one relationship? Relationship hopping always causes some degree of overlap, but I think if you know you would see this new guy if he called, and you have already had a petting session with him then your current relationship is moribund and you shouldn't wait around just to see if it works out with the new guy before you make the moves to end it. Ultimately I think you should discuss what has happened with your boyfriend, he needs to decided whether he thinks it is cheating and if he still wants to be in a relationship where that has happened. At the moment you are depriving him of the right to make that choice and that is deception by silence.

Good luck,

Li x

Merricat

Member

Re: Dilemma

If you feel scared to discuss what happened with your boy, it's probably infidelity to some degree.

But you need to tell him what happened and how you're feeling. Be fair to him. I can't tell you how much it hurts to have someone keep that kind of information from you.

tana

Member

Re: Dilemma

Hi Jing,

I'm in agreement with Liandra (the wise) and Merricat. You won't do yourself justice if you're with a boy whom you're to nervous to be honest with. If you've the guts to do ISM then I'm sure being open with said boy will be a walk in the park!

SCSIgirl

Member

Re: Dilemma

Hi Jing,

I'm in agreement with Liandra (the wise) and Merricat. You won't do yourself justice if you're with a boy whom you're to nervous to be honest with. If you've the guts to do ISM then I'm sure being open with said boy will be a walk in the park!

I've held back on responding, J, 'cause the ladies have said it best.

If I were to sit you down and scold you,  I would say this:  "To thy ownself be true".  The only person you are going to live and die with, is you.  YOU have to be happy.  If your partner can aid in this, wonderful.  If not, find out what you want and be happy.  Maybe you want freedom to move,  maybe you want "the one and only",  maybe you want a regular relationship with a few sprinkles on the side.

You need to really figure out what makes you happy and then live for it.  If the bf can't cope,  he wasn't right for you anyway.  (And let's face it Honey,  with your bod and sexuality,  you're not going to have any shortage of boyfriend wantabees).  Also question whether you asking for a double standard.  Will you let him live with the same values as you?

I will refer back to a post I made a while ago:  a girl I know, Linda G, is a dedicated lesbian with a live in lover.  But once in a while  (about once or twice a week)  she would go out and find a guy and "get her hormones balanced".  This is not right or wrong, honest or dishonest.  It is what is right for her.  Just let the partner do the same.

Good Greif,  the Scuzzy Oracle is getting long-winded.

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"Apple of my Eye", "bated breath", "brave new world", "caught red-handed" - all coined by Shakespeare.

Jing

Member

Re: Dilemma

thanks you guys for everything....

my boyfriend and i havent exactly sat down and talk... but then he knows and he doesnt wanna talk about it so fine. personally i feel hurt that i had been played by this guy.... coz he hasnt and i dun think he will call me. my friends say maybe his friends talked some sense into him not to call me as i am taken.... but anyway....

personally i dont think this relationship with my boyfriend is working out. who keeps scores and tabs on their partners... like what have you done for me and what have i done for you etc...... maybe i juz dont want a drastic breakup... i'll let the feelings fade away.....

i dunno anything about this new guy, except for his name... i might not even see him again. but i believe in fate... if we're fated to be together, then we will meet again soon....

until them, i'll have to be contented with waht i have and also my rabbits

if i have no feelings for that guy, why am i so hurt that he doesnt call. But if I have feelings for him, why is it at the end of the day, i still call my boyfriend up and turn to him if i need help.

SCSIgirl

Member

Re: Dilemma

thanks you guys for everything....

my boyfriend and i havent exactly sat down and talk... but then he knows and he doesnt wanna talk about it so fine. personally i feel hurt that i had been played by this guy.... coz he hasnt and i dun think he will call me. my friends say maybe his friends talked some sense into him not to call me as i am taken.... but anyway....

>>>>  snipped for brevity  <<<<

if i have no feelings for that guy, why am i so hurt that he doesnt call. But if I have feelings for him, why is it at the end of the day, i still call my boyfriend up and turn to him if i need help.

I'm still on my way, Jing!!!  I came ashore and they told me it was the Cape Horn.  I musta made a wrong turn around Fiji.  I'm on my way back.  Is it monsoon season yet????

---

"Apple of my Eye", "bated breath", "brave new world", "caught red-handed" - all coined by Shakespeare.

TheThoughtSmith

Member

Re: Dilemma

Ask yourself -- If you're committed in some way now, why did you go off with the other?  Not morally...I mean why do it?  What is missing?

You don't sound happy with what you've got.

My only advice is this:  Don't stay with someone because you dont' want to "Risk" that present thing.  Stay with someone because you want to.   

When you're married, and even then more importantly when you have kids with someone -- then you have to really think about things in terms staying for reasons other than because you want to.  Sometimes, you stay for the kids.  Sometimes that gets you through some rough patches.

liandra_dahl

Member

Re: Dilemma

Ask yourself -- If you're committed in some way now, why did you go off with the other?  Not morally...I mean why do it?  What is missing?

You don't sound happy with what you've got.

My only advice is this:  Don't stay with someone because you dont' want to "Risk" that present thing.  Stay with someone because you want to.   

When you're married, and even then more importantly when you have kids with someone -- then you have to really think about things in terms staying for reasons other than because you want to.  Sometimes, you stay for the kids.  Sometimes that gets you through some rough patches.

My parents staid together for fifteen years 'because of the kids'...'the kids' however spent at least a decade wishing they wouldn't bother and fleeing a room that ever contained both parents at the same time.

TheThoughtSmith

Member

Re: Dilemma

My parents staid together for fifteen years 'because of the kids'...'the kids' however spent at least a decade wishing they wouldn't bother and fleeing a room that ever contained both parents at the same time.

I never said parents must always stay together for the kids.  I said when you have kids sometimes they're the only reason you stay through some tough times.  Its a subtle difference, but what I mean when I say it isn't that people should live in hell for years at a time.  Rather, that there are times later in life when the feeling of obligation to stay together is strong.  Young single people should understand that this is the time in their lives NOT to be obligated.

eroseyes

Member

Re: Dilemma

Hey guys

I know we've been thru this before... but tell me again wat everyone thinks.....

Is meeting someone at a party and going out for a short stroll... a few cuddles and a few smooches and hugs considered cheating.... when you boyfriend is inside half drunk and only realises the girlfriend is missing when someone tells him?

well this new guy is quite sweet and cute and handsome..... and he was the only one that wasnt drunk and could talk to me like a normal person, be open and be nice to me..... so... i kinda like him... it feels back to those days when you have puppy crushes and you're so excited and nervous all the time....

Is this consider cheating on my current boyfriend? or do most guys consider going all the way on the sex part to be cheating?

Appreciate comments
Jing

eroseyes

Member

Re: Dilemma

If you find that you frequently need to ask others to explain the impact, importance or meaning of what you are doing, it could be that you are not living in a very highly evolved sincerity level. Some levels of activity are simply based on selfish fun, drama and getting attention. Maturity comes with sincerity. Kind'a an inner value system that you build within yourself, based as on actual importance to you. When you develop your own inner values - or make use of those you have access to - no one will need to explain them to you. Instead, you will know your values and explain - if need be - to others what your value system is about. Your values will "make sense" from within. There are those who would challenge this or just about anything that is said - that they did not say - however I believe the premise is basically accurate, and with your contemplation, could be helpful to you, at some point in time, if and when you are sincere.

Belgareth

Member

Re: Dilemma

If you find that you frequently need to ask others to explain the impact, importance or meaning of what you are doing, it could be that you are not living in a very highly evolved sincerity level. Some levels of activity are simply based on selfish fun, drama and getting attention. Maturity comes with sincerity. Kind'a an inner value system that you build within yourself, based as on actual importance to you. When you develop your own inner values - or make use of those you have access to - no one will need to explain them to you. Instead, you will know your values and explain - if need be - to others what your value system is about. Your values will "make sense" from within. There are those who would challenge this or just about anything that is said - that they did not say - however I believe the premise is basically accurate, and with your contemplation, could be helpful to you, at some point in time, if and when you are sincere.

I'm inclined to agree with the basic sentiment of "inner values", as in knowing inherently what is right for you. However, the concept of "maturity", for a lot of individuals,  is equated to age, which is not necessarily the case. There are immature old people and very mature young people.

There is also a great deal of difference between KNOWING what is right for you and not giving a damn by just doing what you want, when you want., which is about as insincere as one can get.

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liandra_dahl

Member

Re: Dilemma

I never said parents must always stay together for the kids.  I said when you have kids sometimes they're the only reason you stay through some tough times.  Its a subtle difference, but what I mean when I say it isn't that people should live in hell for years at a time.  Rather, that there are times later in life when the feeling of obligation to stay together is strong.  Young single people should understand that this is the time in their lives NOT to be obligated.

Oh, I think I knew you didn't mean it in that way, sorry if it seemed like I was criticizing you, I just thought I would chuck my two cents in anyway. There are a lot of pressures on couples with children to stay together, internal and external. I just think people should always be together because they want to be together, even if it appears to be going down the toilet there should be some underlying desire to want to work things out with that person, to be with that persons despite the hard times, and not ever just because of the kids, that puts a huge weight on the childrens shoulders. I think sometimes we underestimate what children can understand and cope with, and we're afraid to show them that we are human and life, like us, is not perfect, and changes, and we must adapt.

Jing

Member

Re: Dilemma

Hey guys

Thanks for everything.... here's just something i wrote when i was in doubt ( i write a lot when i'm down or sad or angry... and ironically, i write better when I'm sad ) hahahah

ah well

He talked to me when no one would
He made me feel part of his group
He was sweet, he was charming
That was why we ended up smooching.
What happened left something in my heart
But i can't explain, its just too hard.
Part of me am somehow hoping
When I wake up it'll all be a dream
But then again there's no point denying
I do still wish to see him again.
Should I wait or should i go
I really dont know what i should do
Wait for someone who might never come
Or go with someone who puts me down.
If a 3 hour fling can leave me wondering
About what right decisions should i be making
What will happen in the future
If some one comes along and is much better
What if I'm married and I have kids
Will i walk out just like this.
I am hurt by things you do
But in the end I still come to you
Then again he was so sweet
That's why he swept me off my feet
A kiss on the lips is not something to forget
But why do guys think they can leave it at that
I don't mind if you don't like me at all
But please, at least just gimme a call

hehehe.... i dunno what you think of it.... well.. its just a poem, so dont read too much into it I just enjoy writing

Thanks guys

jdudley76

Member

Re: Dilemma

I don't know about Jing but the title of that book sounds irresistable. I'm off down the library now. Thanks jdudley76.

Feel free to send me a PM or e-mail. I'd love to hear what you think of it.

Jing, I hope you figure out what you want. You seem like a good person.

---

"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."   - George W. Bush, as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002

voyeur2

Member

Re: Dilemma

Hey guys

I know we've been thru this before... but tell me again wat everyone thinks.....

Is meeting someone at a party and going out for a short stroll... a few cuddles and a few smooches and hugs considered cheating.... when you boyfriend is inside half drunk and only realises the girlfriend is missing when someone tells him?

well this new guy is quite sweet and cute and handsome..... and he was the only one that wasnt drunk and could talk to me like a normal person, be open and be nice to me..... so... i kinda like him... it feels back to those days when you have puppy crushes and you're so excited and nervous all the time....

Is this consider cheating on my current boyfriend? or do most guys consider going all the way on the sex part to be cheating?

Appreciate comments
Jing

If you have doubts, you have not discussed it enough with your BF.

If you have doubts you are cheating.

If you are confident you will have the approval and acceptance of your BF after the fact - it is not cheating.

Of course life is not a game, so cheating is not really part of the rules. 

Life is for real, and therefore what you do should be with the intention of accepting the consequences of your actions.  Be it the estrangement of your BF or not.

Ya gotta do wut a girl's gotta do.  To bad it won't be wit me.

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Have I ever lied to you before?

aurorya

Member

Re: Dilemma

Jumping in here a little late...

I heard this on the radio (a lame place for relationship advise, yeah yeah): If you wouldn't do it in front of your partner, it's cheating.  It's sorta like the definition of Sin I once heard: dust behind the radiator.  The stuff no one would know but you, but you don't sort out anyway.

best of luck, girl.
xoxo