#1 June 17th, 2005 10:42 PM

Jing

Member

problems problems

hey everyone

recently my boyfriend and i have been having a hard time.... we both are stubborn headed, we both think that we are both correct adn this is ruining our relationship. so right now we're trying to figure out where we stand.....

also... its like the 'spark' there is gone.... how do u rekindle that kind of spark?

we both know that there is 2 years at stake here.... and we both want it to work out. the problem is he says i keep pestering him and bugging him. at the same time, if i dun pester him and bug him or ask him something, he keeps lots and lots of secrets from me and doesnt wanna come clean with me at all. also, he doesnt think i'm important enough to share serious stuff with me... so its very very very annoying...

any suggestions on how to get back on track? or to break up?

looking fwd to ur comments

cheers
jing

wantingscott

Member

Re: problems problems

Jing,
hmmm. do you talk to him face to face or on the phone or IM? most guys do better face-to-face, ooutdoors while walking around town. that's what i've observed.

re-establishing conversation is the first key.

Scott

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that's the way it goes. but don't forget, it goes the other way too.

SCSIgirl

Member

Re: problems problems

hey everyone

recently my boyfriend and i have been having a hard time.... we both are stubborn headed, we both think that we are both correct adn this is ruining our relationship. so right now we're trying to figure out where we stand.....

>>> snipped for brevity<<<

looking fwd to ur comments

cheers
jing

I don't want to sound like a fatalist,  Jing,  but I have found that things will go the way they want.  I have had those long, drawn out heart-to-heart talks and tried new approaches to a relationship.  All that was accomplished was to push a new pin ball through the game but in the end everything settled where it wanted to.

I have lost some very fine girl friends because I couldn't be what they needed.  I have lost some very fine girl friends because they couldn't be what I needed.  Somewhere in my 30s I realized that you can't make a relationship happen.  It will either do so on it's own,  or it won't.  In days of old, the addage that you have to work at making a relationship happen is not true.  If you have to work at it;  someone isn't happy.

I'm sure that comment is going to stir the pot,  but in the end,  all we want, is to be happy and to make someone else happy.  If that becomes a job,  then it's not happening on it's own.  As I've stated in other posts,  if I have to go to work all day long,  I don't want to come home and work again.

Having a boyfriend is never going to be a problem with you.  You are beautiful,  you are sexy,  and there's probably a long line outside your door,  just waiting.  Make the concessions you can live with,  try and work it out,  but if it's too much work,  start looking around.

"I have to go out onto the world and slay dragons all day long.  I don't want to come home and fight."

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"Apple of my Eye", "bated breath", "brave new world", "caught red-handed" - all coined by Shakespeare.

Belgareth

Member

Re: problems problems

hey everyone

recently my boyfriend and i have been having a hard time.... we both are stubborn headed, we both think that we are both correct adn this is ruining our relationship. so right now we're trying to figure out where we stand.....

also... its like the 'spark' there is gone.... how do u rekindle that kind of spark?

we both know that there is 2 years at stake here.... and we both want it to work out. the problem is he says i keep pestering him and bugging him. at the same time, if i dun pester him and bug him or ask him something, he keeps lots and lots of secrets from me and doesnt wanna come clean with me at all. also, he doesnt think i'm important enough to share serious stuff with me... so its very very very annoying...

any suggestions on how to get back on track? or to break up?

looking fwd to ur comments

cheers
jing

Jing,

Being a bear of very little brain, I think that the first you have to decide is whether you actually want a solution which keeps you together. Unfortunately, if you are both strong willed, then one of you will not be prepared to back down to the other and that is not conducive to resolving your problem.

You said that the "spark" seems to have gone out of your relationship and I sense you no longer feel the same way about your partner as you do previously, neither do you appear to trust him anymore.

Of course you keep questioning him because you want to know where you stand with him, although he will see it as "pestering", as most males cannot come to terms with way the female mind works and that you need to know, in order to help you deal with the problem.

All of this adds up to a relationship that, at best, would only limp along if you can resolve your immediate differences. I fear that this whole thing will keep rearing it ugly head, simply because the fire has gone out and there is nothing for either of you to fall back on, as there is in old people's relationship, which can survive on many years of friendship once the first flushes of love have paled away.

The two of you might have had a good relationship at one time but now, for your own sake and for your partner's, it would be better to agree to separate and to allow each other the freedom you both need to allow you to move your lives forward..

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voyeur2

Member

Re: problems problems

hey everyone

we both are stubborn headed, we both think that we are both correct adn this is ruining our relationship. so right now we're trying to figure out where we stand.....

also... its like the 'spark' there is gone.... how do u rekindle that kind of spark?

we both know that there is 2 years at stake here.... and we both want it to work out.

any suggestions on how to get back on track? or to break up?

looking fwd to ur comments

cheers
jing

It sounds to me like the honeymoon phase is over.  In the first part of relationships both sides are on their best behavior, but as time goes on they relax and revert to their baseline selves.
This causes conflicts, and changes the relationship.  Conflict is cumulative in terms of effect on relationships just like memory.

There seems to be a bit of consumerism in the post.  The sense that both have an investment, and are reluctant to let it go for 'nothing'.

It is valuable to be able to recognise when to 'fold em' - and just hanging in there because
you are already there is not a good excuse. 
You both now have more experience and data about yourselves and the type of relationship that does not work.

Not actually advocating separation, but I think it sounds like the better choice.

I found the Real Deal at 57.  The one I stuck with was in the end very instructive, but a waste of the only lifetime I 'spent' in those years.  I could have had more fun less arguements by just admitting mistakes happen, and letting go.

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Have I ever lied to you before?

Jing

Member

Re: problems problems

To everyone who has contributed......

thanks for your help and i really appreciate it.

I think i will let things flow as normal and if i have to keep trying for this relationship to work while he juz does nothing, then i guess its time we separated..... it seems like there is no interest on either of us to make it work...... the sex is still fantastic ( I admit that ) but other than that, there is an emptiness in the relationship....

anyway, thanks for the comments and i guess its time to move on eh.....

cheers
jing

markus_av

Member

Re: problems problems

Jing
   Honesty and openess are crucial components in a lasting, happy relationship.

I hope things work out the best for you.

Markus

Jing

Member

Re: problems problems

Hey guys....

after much pondering.... we finally came to a conclusion.... and its agreed best that we go our own separate ways..... everything is over, finish.

thanks to those who posted replies for me..... and thanks for all your support. it will take time to heal... but im sure once the heart is healed, it will make me a wiser perosn inlove next time.

hope to hear from you guys soon...

keep me company, will ya? hehe

SCSIgirl

Member

Re: problems problems

Hey guys....

after much pondering.... we finally came to a conclusion.... and its agreed best that we go our own separate ways..... everything is over, finish.

thanks to those who posted replies for me..... and thanks for all your support. it will take time to heal... but im sure once the heart is healed, it will make me a wiser perosn inlove next time.

hope to hear from you guys soon...

keep me company, will ya? hehe

Where do we get in line???   Do we have to take a number?  I'm first!  I'm first!!  I'm first!!!

Hey!  No pushing in line!!!!

---

"Apple of my Eye", "bated breath", "brave new world", "caught red-handed" - all coined by Shakespeare.

Belgareth

Member

Re: problems problems

Hey guys....

after much pondering.... we finally came to a conclusion.... and its agreed best that we go our own separate ways..... everything is over, finish.

thanks to those who posted replies for me..... and thanks for all your support. it will take time to heal... but im sure once the heart is healed, it will make me a wiser perosn inlove next time.

hope to hear from you guys soon...

keep me company, will ya? hehe

Jing, It's always sad to hear of a relationship closing down but I think both ofyou have made the right decision. There's no point in me saying that I, or any of us, have an Elastoplast (Bandaid) to put on it but I am sure that any hurt will not remain for too long.

Relationship, of any kind, always have their ups and downs but I have found that when the downs outweigh the ups, it's time to call it a day and move on.

How could we not agree to keep you company until your heart find someone else to do it for us.

I notice that SCSIGirl is trying to queue jump again!

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Jing

Member

Re: problems problems

Westlife sang a song that is entitled Love Takes Two. I guess if its not meant to be then its not meant to be. we are still good friends but it hurts because everytime you see each other, it reminds of the good times we had as a couple.

time will heal everything i know.... maybe a holiday will do both of us good. but honestly i will miss him and being me... im a very emotional person. i would call this not a very good time to do it as he is sick... it's healable but it will take a while.... ( i wont elaborate more in case he reads this and gets all distressed about it )... so i feel as though i should take care of him but he doesnt want me to and i fell bad....

anyway, like westlife and i say, love takes 2.... i'm not ready to love again yet. it'll take me a while ( took me 6 months to get over someone last time.... but that time was a one-sided affair ).... to SCSIgirl... thanks for wanting to wait in line.... i'll tell you when i'm ready! hehehe

cheers guys