#1 March 6th, 2014 06:18 PM

Elsa_H

Member

First forum post...eek!

Hiiii!!

This is my first post on the forum, woo! My shoots been up for a little over a week now and today I collected my camera to do a beautiful agony video. I'm so excited!! Although I'm actually a little bit worried I might get stage fright (which tends to happen sometimes if in doing a cheeky show for my lover) so I want to know about everyone else's experiences with beautiful agony or ifeelmyself! Was it harder or easier than you thought it might be? And how did you forget about the camera being there?! xo

Lena_D

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

Hey Elsa ! Welcome on the forum and welcome on those amazing websites !
For me, I have to say I was a little bit stressed to touch myself in front the camera but as soon as I started, I get focused on what I was doing instead of the camera ^^ And finally, I thought it was very exciting to have the lens 'watching' me !
Beautiful agony was a very good experience but not as much as I feel myself is for me ! I love the fact that the whole body is taken into consideration //even if having only the face in BA is deeply interesting too//. I'm in fond of the quality of all those little movies and the way that we are all different doing the same thing ! The forum is an amazing place to share too, I love being around there !
I have one project of each site published and more are coming (2 ISM and 2 IFM) and honestly, I wish I will be able to continue !
For me, I can easily say that they are life-changing projects.
And what about you, what do you think, are you a kind of stressed ? How do you feel ? I would love to know !!

Elsa_H

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

Congrats on all your projects Lena! I would LOVE to do an ifeelmyself (fingers crossed I might be so lucky), I think the experience would be amazing. I wouldn't say I'm stressed, I'm just a little worried I might find the camera distracting or something! But everyone I've spoken to has said you forget about it pretty quickly. I totally agree that these projects can be life changing, after just one shoot I feel so much more comfortable with my body and its SO lovely to be able to produce something that focuses on your naked and being sooo proud of the result is such a lovely feeling!

Traci

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

I personally love being filmed. I actually learned to masturbate just with my hands because of it. I used to only be able to orgasm using my vibrator, so my first submissions are all with them. Now though, I can usually start with my hands, and get at least one orgasm that way before moving to my little vibrator (followed of course with the 'big guns' - a back massager I plug into the wall).

And btw Elsa, LOVE your pics! They are awesome! You have the 'golden hour' down pat. I love taking pics when the lighting is like that, but then I look a bit like a stalker, rushing around and taking pics of people. I guess shooting yourself is really ideal. Great job! And I am so looking forward to your Beautiful Agony submission

viva

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

Hey Elsa! Welcome and thanks for sharing <3

My beautiful agony shoot was actually a turning point for me in my personal sexuality. Without even really registering it, before I did BA I treated orgasms as something I had to do, mostly so that men would be finally satisfied with me. Practicing for men turned into using orgasm for myself as a way to relax and de-stress, but it wasn't until I put myself in a room, with a camera pointing down at my face, that I really understood orgasm and masturbation as a deeply important sexual connection with myself.

Having the camera there made the moment feel more real to me - I am sort of like that with cameras/observers, which is why these projects appeal to me and have helped me grow so much. I am not someone who is really good at being authentically present when I am by myself - I tend instead to distract with books and other forms of entertainment. So having the camera there holds me present, creating a record of the event so that I feel that I can't hide, slack off, and just touch up the memory later.

Weird, but that's how it is for me. Since BA I have done many IFM shoots - I remember Gala, interviewing me for my BA confession, laughing when I said, "Yeah it was great, but I just found myself wishing the camera could see my whole body." IFM for me has provided even more context for my personal sexuality and I have grown so much - physically (better orgasms, deeper body consciousness), mentally, and emotionally as well.

So this turned into a BA rant, but... anyway, welcome!

Elsa_H

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

Viva and Traci, both your posts demonstrate to me perfectly a huge reason as to why these projects are so special! They don't just provide beautiful erotica, but the shoots and videos seem to really help the contributors strengthen and develop their sexual relationships with themselves. I feel relatively fortunate in the sense that I've never struggled to orgasm while masturbating, and even though I find it incredibly difficult to climax during sex I've never felt the need to "fake it". I'm not quite sure if the difficulty during sex is because I feel like I need to put on more of a performance, no matter how comfortable I am with my partner (thank you, mainstream pronography!!) or more physical reasons, but I feel like I'm about to learn quite a lot...

And Traci, your comments are so sweet, you're a total gem!! xoxo

Lena_D

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

You are right Elsa, the projects can really help in self sexual development! I can't really understand why?! I think that for me it's maybe because I have to focus evenmore on myself and on what I'm doing to forget the camera... And it works quite well ^^ //And you Traci and Viva, do you feel the same ? What did help you?//
I hope that those projects will help you to find more about your body, helping you to find the orgasm while masturbating, it's such a great feeling

polaroid

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

Hey Elsa:)

Have been away from the forum for a little while but wanted to pop back to say hi as I've just seen that your videos are finally up on IFM & wanted to say that I'm really excited for you as it must feel amazing to finally see them up on the site!!:) Unfortunately I can't afford IFM at the moment so it's really depressing that I can't see your videos & share in how amazing they must be but when i found out that you can still watch the profile videos even if you can't join & i was able to watch yours it cheered me up loads & totally made my day. Your video was really fascinating & was amazing to see & hear you talking:) I loved listening to your thoughts & how you expressed yourself. Apologies if I'm making you blush but as well as being the beautiful Elsa we've all come to know & love from your photos & on the forum, after seeing your video I also think you have the most beautiful voice:)

I was fascinated by everything you spoke about but one thing in particular you said really wowed me & that's when you mentioned Studio Ghibli, as Miyazaki films are a brand new discovery & obsession of mine after i saw The Wind Rises recently which was being shown in the local art cinema & it totally blew my mind. I haven't seen any Japanese animation before & so don't have anything to directly compare it to but there's definitely something about this director that really draws me in because this film visually & emotionally affected me really deeply & is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. They were showing quite a few of his films to celebrate the release of The Wind Rises & so i was able to catch a few others, Princess Mononoke which I loved too as its exactly the kind of incredible mythological Tolkein-esque epic that I get totally absorbed by & i also saw My Neighbour Totoro which also affected me an awful lot & was one of the most magical things I think I've ever seen. The themes i can see coming through in his films (pacifism, environmentalism & feminism among others) are really important to me & pretty profound in the films I've seen so far & i can't wait to discover more of his work. It was a totally amazing coincidence that you mentioned Studio Ghibli just as i was discovering it for the first time & also because i don't know anyone else who's into animation let alone knows about Miyazaki so i hope you don't mind me writing to tell you as I thought that was really cool (as well as loving your beautiful video)

Ben xx

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Find your truth. Face your truth. Speak your truth. Be your truth.

Elsa_H

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

Hi Ben!
I haven't checked in for a little while either so I missed your post! It's really wonderful to hear you liked my profile video - I actually get super nervous every time I have to talk to cameras and end up either babbling or not knowing what to say, so I've been quite worried about it being boring. You most definitely made me blush (how did you know?), you always have the loveliest things to say, thank you so much I actually have an ISM video in the works so that will be up at some stage in the future for you to take a peek at    

It makes me happy you've discovered Ghibli films! I watched bits and pieces of anime as a teenager, but I find Miyazaki films really special. They're comforting, inspiring and magical, and stir up this sort of nostalgic, melancholic feeling inside me. I think the themes you mentioned play a huge part in their appeal. I don't know if I romanticize them way too much, but I sometimes watch them when I'm feeling down about the state of the world and need to feel hopeful that good will prevail over evil. They feed my dream that if we all keep pushing along within our collective movements, maybe one day the world will become a beautiful, peaceful place. They also carry me off into these wonderful little worlds I want to live in. Why shouldn't we be able to adventure into a forest and come across a strange, giant creature, only to crawl up and take a nap on its belly? Why can't we ride around in a cat bus? I also really love Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, which has great environmentalist themes set in a post apocalyptic world. If you are ever in the mood to have your heart ripped out and torn into 100 pieces and thrown into the air like confetti, watch Grave of the Fireflies. It's totally heartbreaking and I spend about 90% of it in tears (needless to say I can't watch it very often), but it is a really beautiful, heart wrenching movie. xx

polaroid

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

Hello beautiful Elsa!!:)

Thank you for your message, i really loved reading it. I always love how you write:) I totally understand what you mean about how you feel so nervous talking in front of cameras. Its funny you mentioned worrying about either babbling lots or not knowing what to say cos those are exactly the things I always accuse myself of doing when i'm really nervous too, i always worry that i'm either at one extreme or the other depending on just how nervous i am so i've kind of grown really good at being aware of whether me or anyone else is coming across like that & so thats how i know that you definitely didn't seem super nervous at all!!  Although i haven't actually had to talk in front of a camera like that myself before, just remembering how nervous I was at uni whenever i had to stand in front of a class & give a presentation or something & how just getting through the door would have to involve spending the whole day getting totally wasted on vodka first or if it was a morning class, timing it so that i could walk straight from whatever bar i'd been in all night (usually some 80's or 90's night somewhere) & then turn up before my confidence ran out. So knowing now how nervous you were talking to the camera, it's made me even more wowed by your video because you managed to show none of your nerves at all throughout the whole thing!! You chose some really cool & interesting stuff to chat about but I also loved how you were able to articulate so perfectly the whole philosophy of IFM when you talked about how you loved being able to make such a beautiful & sexual video in a way which wasn't forced but totally natural & which allowed you to behave how you'd normally behave. I'm sure that will be really inspiring to people perhaps thinking about being part of IFM too & omg you were definitely not boring!!!! You were beautiful, expressive, fun, engaging & so full of personality. I laughed out loud at how you described Game of Thrones!!! (who doesn't love boobs & people fighting with swords!! I think there is no programme in any genre which can't fail to be improved by adding them!!) & your current addiction to Real Housewives of Melbourne totally reminded me of a complete & total addiction i had to the Real Housewives of Orange County a few years ago. I practically withdrew from the world like i was a proper addict or something, i *had* to watch every episode, the women were just *totally* crazy, proper laugh till it hurts or you cry crazy & absolutely hilarious!! I'll have to find the Melbourne one now somehow, & well & truly fall off the reality tv wagon once again haha;);) I'm so excited to hear about your ISM video!!!!!:):):) That's great news!!!! I hope it was super fun to make & i can't wait for it to go up on the site:):) I am currently saving up for IFM too (damn being a photographer & never having any money!!) so i hope to be back on there as soon as i can. From the way you described the experience i'm sure your videos are so beautiful:)

I'm so sorry i made you blush:)...but now its your turn to make me blush (& i definitely am right now) because i have to say that i actually got really tearful at how astonishingly beautiful the way you described what the Miyazaki films mean to you was & also because word for word you described exactly what they've meant to me since i discovered them. It actually really meant something to me to know that someone else experiences the same emotions & the same feelings from them that I do. I've been genuinely overcome with how much they've meant to me recently & i've spent a lot of time thinking about them. I feel very strongly that they'll always be such an important part of my life from now on. I've always, (despite people always telling me i shouldn't), felt everything so intensely, no matter which emotion, from joy, happiness, euphoria, all the way through to melancholy, pain, anxiety, sadness, regret and so on. I've always wanted to go through my life & feel everything, no matter what it is, to surrender to it completely no matter where that takes me, whether towards darkness or light & to try to live so completely in the moment & be so aware of & really truly live every sensation & emotion but because i feel everything so strongly it means i'm affected by things sometimes a lot more than other people who then think i'm totally strange. When i saw The Wind Rises at the cinema it really affected me & i was in tears nearly through the whole thing & a total wreck by the end of it & when i went back to see Princess Mononoke & My Neighbour Totoro the same thing happened & all the people around me just didn't seem to be affected at all. I think i was just so overcome by how magical they are. I think its the how beautifully the films are animated, the love you develop for the characters & what they mean but what really gets me is that intense feeling, just like you said, of nostalgia & melancholy inside you. It totally wraps itself around you & envelopes you totally & completely until your heart is totally overloaded with intense happiness AND intense sadness & melancholy at the same time. To me it feels like a kind of melancholic euphoria. I totally go to pieces but its the most beautiful feeling & i just want to return to it again & again, its like a drug. You feel this euphoric warmth & glow of being immersed in those places in the films that you'd happily die to be in just to be able to live there but at the same time this deep melancholic anxiety that comes from deep within, almost as an expression of knowing that those beautiful worlds have all but gone & the world today is such a violent dark disintegrating place that we're destroying. I can barely read the news anymore without feeling overwhelming anxiety & that also explains why escaping into the worlds in these films is so beautiful to me because along with all the realisation of how the world is now, they do just like you said feed the dream that collective movements can one day together help us all reach the beautiful & peaceful world we dream of. I wish that somehow people truly learning & experiencing the beauty of the natural world that we still have left on this planet & seeing its fragility will somehow act as a magnet, the force which can pull all the actions of all the movements & activists, of all the people who struggle to find the context within which to make a difference together as one, all moving together towards a better future.

Im about to read the astronaut Chris Hadfield's book 'An Astronaut's Guide to Life on Earth' because i love how he so beautifully describes the incredible power of seeing the earth alone in space, how from afar it looks so tranquil, at peace, yet so fragile & vulnerable, & this incredibly powerful sense of how the planet, the environment, the natural world & human life are all as one, all interdependent, all part of the same collective fragility & how seeing it like this, as so few have had the privilege to do, gives you an almost deeply spiritual experience (many of the Apollo astronauts also experienced this) & you realise how utterly futile all worldly conflict is, how maddening war is & the destruction of the natural world. So when we get down about the state of the world & watch the films to escape it into a place which gives us hope that good will prevail over evil i think the themes this book explores can give us some hope that one day the world will be a more peaceful place.

I really really want to see the films you recommended now. I'll go on a mission to find them. Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind sounds amazing, both the setting & for the environmentalist themes which were explored so profoundly & beautifully in Princess Mononoke too. I'm completely in the mood right now for a totally heartbreaking movie that rips your heart out (you described it so beautifully Elsa) so i will definitely find Grave of the Fireflies too. Like you i'll probably spend most of it in tears too but you made it sound so incredible so i really want to experience it. Thanks so much for recommending both of them Elsa:) Its been so much fun replying to your beautiful message. If you watch My Neighbour Totoro & fall asleep & dream you're in that world too, I might see you there on the cat bus:)

Ben xx

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Find your truth. Face your truth. Speak your truth. Be your truth.

Laney

Administrator

Re: First forum post...eek!

Your stories about going to Uni while not sober reminded me of this funny interview https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cI3rumD76zo. And omg Real Housewives of Melbourne... such a guilty pleasure. I watched the first few episodes where the wife of that guy from Silverchair upsets everyone with her psychic predictions. DRAMA. You can watch it here http://www.free-tv-video-online.me/inte … melbourne/. Speaking of trashy TV, my housemates are obsessed with Made in Chelsea at the moment. Have you seen any of it?

Also I don't want to upset you guys but http://www.pedestrian.tv/news/entertain … 1b6fd2.htm

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Editor/Admin/Forum queen

polaroid

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

Oh my god that interview was one of the most hilarious things i've ever seen!!;) Is she for real!!??? I recognise her but aren't totally sure who she is!!! I don't quite think i was *that* bad haha:) I hope not anyway!!!!! It's quite shocking to look back those few years & realise just how much you drink at uni, whether it's for hedonistic excess or just to cope with stress, usually using one to mask the other as i remember. I'm sure my class presentations on Greek & Roman literature were all the more enriched by my preparatory vodka intake;) I was looking through pictures of me recently & i do seem to be very often surrounded by lots of empty bottles of things displayed everywhere or with candles stuck in.

Haha i cant believe your housemates have succumbed to a Made in Chelsea obsession:) I have so far managed to avoid seeing it precisely because i know that despite how much i can pretend to be all pretentious & find some societal or intellectual reasons to persuade myself that i'm above succumbing to such trash, i know that the moment i see any of it i'll end up being as addicted to it as i was to Real Housewives of Orange County or Elsa is to Real Housewives of Melbourne!!!;) Having lived in London i know exactly what the kind of people in this show are like though, although i managed to mostly avoid them by living in North London next to Camden Town which is far too alternative & edgy for them;)

Thanks for the link to the story about Studio Ghibli….i was really upset & close to tears but then read the comments below the article & there seems to be a bit of confusion over whether it is actually closing down as some people were saying that there was just an error in translation & that they aren't closed yet…just taking a break following Miyazaki's retirement...so amongst the despair & confusion there is just a little hope to cling to:):):):)

xx

ps thanks for the link to Real Housewives of Melbourne which i'm going to watch instead of Made in Chelsea because i know its going to be sooooooo much more hilarious. Unfortunately the link keeps saying 'error, site blocked' for some reason (maybe it doesn't let me watch it in the UK) but i'll keep trying & will find it somewhere!!:):)

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Find your truth. Face your truth. Speak your truth. Be your truth.

Elsa_H

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

Haha, I can't believe I never thought to turn up to uni presentations drunk! I remember one particularly horrible one I had to do for my cognitive neuroscience subject. I had to pause every few minutes for about 10 seconds at a time to work out if I needed to run out of the room and throw up or not!! The thing with my IFM bio is the lovely Feck editors got rid of all my awkward pauses and blank stares at the camera as I was thinking "oh my god, what the hell am I meant to talk about?". I'm pretty certain most of the raw footage is just me looking around going "umm...ahhh...I'm not sure what to say..." and pursing my lips.

You know, I am very much the same way when it comes to feeling emotions. Everything I feel is so very intense and also really physical. I actually think it's a very beautiful and honest way to live, to allow yourself to succumb to a moment and not be afraid to feel. I used to find it a bit overwhelming, particularly the more negative things like anxiety (which I struggle with almost everyday) and sadness, but I've recently become really grateful that I can feel things so intensely and not have to shut them out. It makes it easier to find absolute joy in the smallest things. When I walked to the tram this morning the sun was out, the spring flowers are all beginning to blossom and the giant rosemary bush at the stop was full of bees - all relatively mundane things, but they made me so happy I thought my heart would burst. I'm lucky that my friends understand to some extent that I'm just a very emotionally intense person, because I think some people might mistake it for moodiness, which it's not; I'm not (generally speaking) swinging between happy to angry to happy again, I just don't have the ability to act like I'm fine when not, or behave calmly when I'm excited or happy. I also find that a lot of my decision making is led by my emotions as opposed to logic or practicality - I just do what feels right at the time and it almost always works out for the best. I'm glad that you didn't listen to people who told you not to feel things this way. As children, we are socialized (boys way, way more so than girls) to not be overly emotional and I think as we grow older it creates this disconnect and sometimes people become afraid of their emotions. Things like grief and anxiety and depression are all healthy and normal things to feel but we just aren't encouraged to embrace them or really discuss them, so people try and push them away into the back of their mind where they just grow into this giant mess. Whereas if you just let something overcome you and accept it and remember that it's only temporary, you can process it and examine and make sense of it. So you definitely aren't strange, we seem to have a lot in common!

I'm also so glad I'm not the only reality TV junkie!! I haven't seen Made in Chelsea but maybe that can be my next one before the next season of RHOM comes out. Has anyone seen RuPauls Drag Race? It's basically like America's Next Top Model but for drag queens. I have a few friends who are in the drag scene in Melbourne and they are all super into it but I keep forgetting to watch it, it sounds so good though. And Devochka, that youtube link is hilarious, I swear you have a video/meme/gif for every occasion

Elsa_H

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

Oh and ps; I also heard that story about the ghibli studio, hopefully it is all just lots of confusion! And that book sounds really good, I might hunt around for it

Laney

Administrator

Re: First forum post...eek!

Dude I had a RuPaul's Drag Race themed party at the end of season six and I saw Adore Delano live in Melbourne about a month ago! I love it so much! You can watch it here too http://www.free-tv-video-online.me/inte … drag_race/

I'm sure everybody has long pauses and blank stares when talking to a camera! Richard or Aven on the IFM forum could confirm. It's cute and natural. You're very well spoken and have a lovely voice, and soon your ISM video will be online and we'll all be able to appreciate it

Whereas if you just let something overcome you and accept it and remember that it's only temporary, you can process it and examine and make sense of it.

I wish I could do this... I'm just worried that examining my feelings will lead to permanent change and that I'll lose things that I like and value now because of it.

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Editor/Admin/Forum queen

polaroid

Member

Re: First forum post...eek!

Cognitive neuroscience sounds like such a fascinating subject to study Elsa:) I can completely relate though to that feeling you felt during your presentation of having to work out whether you need to run out of the room & throw up….that totally reminds me of music exams at school, i don't think i've felt such abject fear quite like it since. That feeling of walking into an empty room with this stern looking examiner sat at one end behind a desk & then having to put all that fear to one side to stand there & play the music you'd been working on & practicing for sometimes years when all you want to do is run out & throw up!!

I loved your message…it's really quite astonishing how similar we are, & actually quite moving & really special to me because my whole life so far has been made up of this constant friction between how I feel & am as a person & how much pressure I seem to come under from society & people around me, family, friends & so on, who all seem to tell me that feeling things in the way I do is something i simply have to change about myself, that it's a negative personality trait that annoys others & is my fault & I have to change to make things easier for them. I'm always misinterpreted & mistaken as being moody too & then attacked for it, as though i'm expected to fully express positive emotion but suppress, internalise & bottle-up negative emotion. It astounds me how people can't see how unhealthy & dangerous that is. When we don't learn how to experience & thus learn to embrace & deal with negative emotion, anxiety, pain or sadness we store up a whole world of problems, as individuals, families & societies. How you described the way society deals with depression & anxiety & grief by just pushing them to the back of people's minds instead of encouraging people to embrace & discuss them are exactly my thoughts too. I simply can't hide how i'm feeling. Its not just that i think its unfair to have to act or lie about how you feel, or how dangerous that is, i just find it really hard if not impossible to hide how i'm feeling or to pretend i'm feeling something different & just like you i cant help but follow my emotions rather than logic or practicality. It means so much to know that you've recently become able to feel really grateful that you can feel things so intensely & not shut them out & you're so wonderfully blessed to have friends who understand & accept that you're an emotionally intense person. I wish with all my heart that i had people around me who accepted that about me.

I simply refuse to not be who I am because i only have each moment i live, & only each moment really is life & all those accumulated moments add up to the total of who I am & I will only be able to say i've lived my life when i've lived it as me & been true to & surrendered to everything i feel. I feel so strongly about who I am but i can't pretend that having people i care about get so frustrated with me & shout at me to grow up/man up/get over myself/act my age/stop being so over emotional/over sentimental or to pull myself together etc etc isn't upsetting despite how utterly unfair i know those things are or doesn't leave me feeling somewhat alienated. I might appreciate & love how i'm able to feel everything so intensely but like you i do struggle with anxiety almost every day too & there are low points when people have arguments with me where i do start to question myself & my whole world view feels challenged because i haven't ever come across anyone else who thinks just like i do & feels things just like i do which is the best way i can really describe how amazing it is to read your message & for you to say we feel emotions in the same way because in a very real way, that makes me feel stronger & happier in myself & so much better able to deal with those moments when i feel under attack for how i am & so i really have to thank you for everything you said & for saying i'm definitely not strange for how i feel. I think we have a lot in common too.

I actually think the paragraph you wrote above in your message is probably closest an expression of my whole world view & how i think & feel than anything i've ever read or come across. It's amazing how you described moments & feelings & experiences almost word for word exactly as i've experienced. The way you describe finding overwhelming joy in the smallest of things made me smile as those are the moments in my life i feel happiest & most alive. The moment you experienced walking to the tram & being suddenly overcome by the sun, spring flowers & bees so much that you felt like your heart would burst totally reminded me of a moment i had recently when i was sitting out in my parents' garden & i suddenly felt totally overcome by all these sensations & feelings, the taste of the air, the smell of the flowers & plants, the sound of the breeze moving through the tall trees overhead & how the sound ebbed & flowed like waves on the shore & it felt like my heart would explode too, like time slowed right down & i was aware of every heartbeat & i was so completely overcome by all my senses all at once & in that moment of sensory overload i think i felt the most alive i've ever felt. I really can't wait till i can get a garden of my own (i live in an apartment in the centre of the city), I'd be overwhelmingly excited & filled with all these memories of growing up when me & my brothers would spend all the holidays at my grandma's making elaborate dens & hideouts in her huge garden (which had these massive areas among the trees which were totally wild & just left to turn into what seemed to us at the time like a wild jungle or dangerous exciting forest to explore) or helping her dig vegetables, pick strawberries & raspberries or grow tomatoes in the greenhouse. I can still remember the sights & smells so vividly & the memories bring me so much happiness. It really means a lot Elsa to be able to describe all these things I feel & experience & know that you know exactly what it feels like to experience them too. I really can't fully express in words just how much it means, not just that you experience emotions the same way i do, but that you said that it's a really beautiful & honest way to live, to give in to the moment & to not be afraid to feel. You're such a beautiful & inspirational person Elsa & i'm sure Devochka agrees with all her heart too that we're so lucky to know you:):) you've really helped me to be able to understand & appreciate the way I am which is such an amazing feeling. ps i'm so glad you might hunt around for Chris Hadfield's book, i can't wait to start reading it:) I think the world needs an uplifting message right now:)

Now…back to our reality tv obsessions!!!;) I hadn't heard of RuPaul's Drag Race before!!!! Another show added to my must-find list (damn the internet for not allowing those links to work in the UK)!!!!! And Devochka your themed party sounds awesome!!!! I really need to arrange themed parties for my favourite shows….i can't tell you how many years i've wanted a Twin Peaks or X Files party!!!:)

Do you guys watch Great British Bake Off??:) i'm seriously addicted to that show & oh my god the series that's on over here right now is the most hilarious one yet & there's such a scandal going on right now after last night's ep cos this poor guy had a proper meltdown on camera over his baked alaska after his ice cream was deliberately taken out of the freezer by someone (sabotage!!) & it melted & he totally flipped out & threw it in the bin & then when everyone had to present their finished creations, he carried the bin up to the judges…..absolutely hilarious & i still have a headache from all the time i spent crying with laughter over the whole thing:):) Totally reminds me of every time i have a total disaster in the kitchen & just end up throwing things against the wall in some kind of cathartic food-rage & then end up laughing about it for hours after:) The kitchen is totally the best place to work out life's dramas & challenges:)

xx

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Find your truth. Face your truth. Speak your truth. Be your truth.