#1 June 13th, 2005 12:22 AM

zimbonies

Member

Sexual question

Hi folks!  I have a question for everyone and anyone to answer.  I cannot ask my co-workers or family this question, so I figured that I'd ask my 'cyber' family!

Background:
I recently met the love of my life.  We met less than 4 weeks ago and we're both pretty sure that we are 'the one' for each other.  If we're not at work, we're usually together.  It's been the best 4 weeks of my life and I'm sure that there will be a million other weeks for us to be together.

Dilema:
After our second date, we were at my place and things got a bit 'hot and heavy'.  One thing led to another and we ended up shagging like rabbits.  She's a very very beautiful woman so I have no problems with erections and getting excited, but I have not been able to reach orgasm.  She's performed oral and manual and I cannot reach orgasm.  For now I have it played off to "I would rather see you cum than me" (which she has done many many many times!), but I'm afraid that eventually she will start to think that something is wrong with her.  She has a fragile ego (bad last relationship) so I have to find a solution quickly in a gentle manor so as to not hurt her feelings.  BTW, we've had sex at least 6 times since our second date).

My hypothisis:
I've never truly been in love before until now.  I'm 37 years old and have had a million lust relationships (recently, even) where there was no problem ejaculating.  Now I meet the woman of my dreams and I can't 'seal the deal'.  In the heat of passion she gets so wet that I can barely feel that I'm inside her (we're talking 'running down the leg' wet).  She's a wild one too, which I'm not really used to -- normally I get the 'dead fish' type of woman.
Side note:
I'm an average size guy -- 6.25" not too much 'girth', but I've never had a problem pleasing a woman -- even her.  I normally get a comment "it's so long", but who knows...

I guess my question is three-fold.
1. How do I tell her without hurting her feelings?
2. How do I suggest maybe some Kegel exercises?
3. How do I get over this????
The more I worry about it, the worse it gets during sex.  Last evening we went for over 30 minutes and I couldn't finish.  I was dreanched with sweat...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  If nobody has any advice, then at least let me thank you for letting me vent...

Zim

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"Look at da Chort?!  He's gone mad wit power!"

Belgareth

Member

Re: Sexual question

Hi folks!  I have a question for everyone and anyone to answer.  I cannot ask my co-workers or family this question, so I figured that I'd ask my 'cyber' family!

Background:
I recently met the love of my life.  We met less than 4 weeks ago and we're both pretty sure that we are 'the one' for each other.  If we're not at work, we're usually together.  It's been the best 4 weeks of my life and I'm sure that there will be a million other weeks for us to be together.

Dilema:
After our second date, we were at my place and things got a bit 'hot and heavy'.  One thing led to another and we ended up shagging like rabbits.  She's a very very beautiful woman so I have no problems with erections and getting excited, but I have not been able to reach orgasm.  She's performed oral and manual and I cannot reach orgasm.  For now I have it played off to "I would rather see you cum than me" (which she has done many many many times!), but I'm afraid that eventually she will start to think that something is wrong with her.  She has a fragile ego (bad last relationship) so I have to find a solution quickly in a gentle manor so as to not hurt her feelings.  BTW, we've had sex at least 6 times since our second date).

My hypothisis:
I've never truly been in love before until now.  I'm 37 years old and have had a million lust relationships (recently, even) where there was no problem ejaculating.  Now I meet the woman of my dreams and I can't 'seal the deal'.  In the heat of passion she gets so wet that I can barely feel that I'm inside her (we're talking 'running down the leg' wet).  She's a wild one too, which I'm not really used to -- normally I get the 'dead fish' type of woman.
Side note:
I'm an average size guy -- 6.25" not too much 'girth', but I've never had a problem pleasing a woman -- even her.  I normally get a comment "it's so long", but who knows...

I guess my question is three-fold.
1. How do I tell her without hurting her feelings?
2. How do I suggest maybe some PC exercises?
3. How do I get over this????
The more I worry about it, the worse it gets during sex.  Last evening we went for over 30 minutes and I couldn't finish.  I was dreanched with sweat...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  If nobody has any advice, then at least let me thank you for letting me vent...

Zim

Panic ye not good Sir. Your present difficulty is not really the problem you make it out to be, in fact, you have given the reasons for it yourself.

Firstly, you obviously have much deeper feelings for this person than you have experienced before and that means that you wish to please her. Subconsciously that will have an impact on you. Secondly, the lady in question produces copious amounts of lubrication and, from the way you describe it, you don't seem to be used to barely being able to feel yourself inside of her.

Neither of these things are unusual. It is often the case that you can ejaculate easily when that's all you are really focusing upon. It is also common to maintain an erection and not be able to orgasm when friction on the penis is less than that with which you are familiar.

Your first priority is NOT to do what you are doing i.e. worry about it. That is the worst thing you can do. There is nothing wrong with you, simply be patience and understand why you feel this way. If your newly found partner cares about you she will understand your explanation and will be prepared to help you overcome you irrational concerns.

I have experienced exactly the same confusion which you currently are experiencing. The solution which my partner at the time and I found was so simple. Instead of trying to get from start to finish like an express train along a straight track, stop every so often, carry on with mutual oral/hand stimulation, just lay and carress each other's bodies. In other words break up the process into smaller, bite-sized chunks. You will find that you slowly get used to each others needs and preferences and it might take an hour or even two or three but both of you will be rewarded.

Which ever way you choose, of Heaven's Sake, don't worry about it - IT'S NOT A PROBLEM!!!

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liandra_dahl

Member

Re: Sexual question

Hi folks!  I have a question for everyone and anyone to answer.  I cannot ask my co-workers or family this question, so I figured that I'd ask my 'cyber' family!

Background:
I recently met the love of my life.  We met less than 4 weeks ago and we're both pretty sure that we are 'the one' for each other.  If we're not at work, we're usually together.  It's been the best 4 weeks of my life and I'm sure that there will be a million other weeks for us to be together.

Dilema:
After our second date, we were at my place and things got a bit 'hot and heavy'.  One thing led to another and we ended up shagging like rabbits.  She's a very very beautiful woman so I have no problems with erections and getting excited, but I have not been able to reach orgasm.  She's performed oral and manual and I cannot reach orgasm.  For now I have it played off to "I would rather see you cum than me" (which she has done many many many times!), but I'm afraid that eventually she will start to think that something is wrong with her.  She has a fragile ego (bad last relationship) so I have to find a solution quickly in a gentle manor so as to not hurt her feelings.  BTW, we've had sex at least 6 times since our second date).

My hypothisis:
I've never truly been in love before until now.  I'm 37 years old and have had a million lust relationships (recently, even) where there was no problem ejaculating.  Now I meet the woman of my dreams and I can't 'seal the deal'.  In the heat of passion she gets so wet that I can barely feel that I'm inside her (we're talking 'running down the leg' wet).  She's a wild one too, which I'm not really used to -- normally I get the 'dead fish' type of woman.
Side note:
I'm an average size guy -- 6.25" not too much 'girth', but I've never had a problem pleasing a woman -- even her.  I normally get a comment "it's so long", but who knows...

I guess my question is three-fold.
1. How do I tell her without hurting her feelings?
2. How do I suggest maybe some PC exercises?
3. How do I get over this????
The more I worry about it, the worse it gets during sex.  Last evening we went for over 30 minutes and I couldn't finish.  I was dreanched with sweat...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  If nobody has any advice, then at least let me thank you for letting me vent...

Zim

Holy crap, what a dilemmna. I've never been there but I can feel for you.

1. Chances are if you tell her, her feelings are going to be hurt no matter how you present it, especially if she has a fragile ego. Sometimes it's worth it anyway. Sometimes you loose it all. Too big a gamble if you ask me.

2. Do you mean politically correct exercises or perhaps pelvic floor exercises?

3.Perhaps six times after the second date isn't enough to calm your nerves enough to be totally uninhibited with the woman you feel is 'the one'. If you're not coming from oral either, it must be nerves and not your cock size or her vagina tension, or vaginal secretions. This isn't immensely innovative stuff but if she is a wild one some suggestions I could offer are
i) after inserting your cock try manoeuvring the position so that her legs are together, whether you are in the standard missionary or have her lying on her tummy and you're doing her from behind whilst lying flat.
ii) Guys cum very easly if they have something inserted in their arsehole.
iii) Just try EVERYTHING! Try intercrural sex. This is thrusting the penis between the thighs untill ejaculation. Try tit fucking, between her tits obviously. Try fantasy, try dressing up, try bondage, try spanking, try reading Nancy Friday (Men in Love and Women in Love)  as bedtime stories, try simulated rape, you'll probably be surprised how much you like it. Try cold metal chains, try fire, try ice, try food smeered all over you, try whips, try dirty talk, try tantric sex, try the Kama Sutra, try watching porn while you fuck, try doing it in public, try sub/ dom role play, try anal sex, try screaming and fighting while you fuck, try everything.
There's a chance that once it's been acheived by some other means it will just flow from there, even in the most basic circumstances.

I'm curious, what will you fo if you never cum? Will you still consider her the one?

Belgareth

Member

Re: Sexual question

Two responses at the same time! We must stop doing this Liandra!

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liandra_dahl

Member

Re: Sexual question

Panic ye not good Sir. Your present difficulty is not really the problem you make it out to be, in fact, you have given the reasons for it yourself.

Firstly, you obviously have much deeper feelings for this person than you have experienced before and that means that you wish to please her. Subconsciously that will have an impact on you. Secondly, the lady in question produces copious amounts of lubrication and, from the way you describe it, you don't seem to be used to barely being able to feel yourself inside of her.

Neither of these things are unusual. It is often the case that you can ejaculate easily when that's all you are really focusing upon. It is also common to maintain an erection and not be able to orgasm when friction on the penis is less than that with which you are familiar.

Your first priority is NOT to do what you are doing i.e. worry about it. That is the worst thing you can do. There is nothing wrong with you, simply be patience and understand why you feel this way. If your newly found partner cares about you she will understand your explanation and will be prepared to help you overcome you irrational concerns.

I have experienced exactly the same confusion which you currently are experiencing. The solution which my partner at the time and I found was so simple. Instead of trying to get from start to finish like an express train along a straight track, stop every so often, carry on with mutual oral/hand stimulation, just lay and carress each other's bodies. In other words break up the process into smaller, bite-sized chunks. You will find that you slowly get used to each others needs and preferences and it might take an hour or even two or three but both of you will be rewarded.

Which ever way you choose, of Heaven's Sake, don't worry about it - IT'S NOT A PROBLEM!!!

OK now after reading this reply I think I've made matters worse. I did mean to say don't worry about it but it didn't really come out that way did it. I didn't think to mention taking your time and chilling out in my try everything suggestions but now that I hear it I am sure it would work. If it doesn't however I think I've proposed some fun alternatives.

I'm not a guy so perhaps I'm not the best person to advise you on this. How about I think of you everytime I have sex and if all of us on ISM do that and our thoughts reach you by some magical spiritual connection you'll be coming every five minutes!

ANyway, sorry if I've not helped. I was trying.

Li xx

liandra_dahl

Member

Re: Sexual question

Two responses at the same time! We must stop doing this Liandra!

I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather respond at the same time with!

Belgareth

Member

Re: Sexual question

OK now after reading this reply I think I've made matters worse. I did mean to say don't worry about it but it didn't really come out that way did it. I didn't think to mention taking your time and chilling out in my try everything suggestions but now that I hear it I am sure it would work. If it doesn't however I think I've proposed some fun alternatives.

I'm not a guy so perhaps I'm not the best person to advise you on this. How about I think of you everytime I have sex and if all of us on ISM do that and our thoughts reach you by some magical spiritual connection you'll be coming every five minutes!

ANyway, sorry if I've not helped. I was trying.

Li xx

Hey Li, I thought that your post was amazing! We have very different approaches to things but the enthusiasm and numerous suggestions which you presented, more than made up for our difffering lines of attack and it certainly should have lightened up the unneccessary burden which Zim placed upon himself.

As for thinking about him every time we have sex (everyone in ISM that is - not you and I) it could turn into the biggest and longest cyber gang-bang ever seen with us all in different time zones!

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Belgareth

Member

Re: Sexual question

I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather respond at the same time with!

Thank you. that's so sweet of you and the feeling is mutual.
I wonder if we would respond together if ........... second thoughts .... I don't think I'll go there ;-)

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milestones

Member

Re: Sexual question

Thank you. that's so sweet of you and the feeling is mutual.
I wonder if we would respond together if ........... second thoughts .... I don't think I'll go there ;-)

Wow Liandra...you're detailed response to the question made me feel somewhat sexually repressed! Seriously though, it isn't an uncommon problem, I think Belgareth's suggestion could maybe be Plan A and yours, Plan B. Belgareth nailed it really, if she's 'the one' then he wants to invest long term and that's what will be weighing on his mind...there's potentially a lot more at stake. The mind can play funny (not funny ha-ha) games in these situations. Perseverence, taking your time and perhaps discussing a fantasy or two should help. As mentioned, once he surmounts the issue the flood gates will, literally, open! By the way, I've never had anything inserted up my jacksie before (well, doctor's finger once!)....is that true about coming quicker??  See, told you I was repressed!

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Television, drug of the nation, breeding ignorance and bleeding radiation.

Belgareth

Member

Re: Sexual question

By the way, I've never had anything inserted up my jacksie before (well, doctor's finger once!)....is that true about coming quicker??  See, told you I was repressed!

Nah, not repressed. Just because you haven't tried something doesn't mean you're repressed, just that you haven't been introduced to it - yet!

It's is a fact that;
a) the way to the male prostate gland is via the rectum
b) stimulation of the prostate gland can cause ejaculation, regardless of whether the penis is being stimulated.
c) the prostate gland is often considered the male parallel of the female "G-spot"

If you are considering it, don't choose something the size of a 50mm shell! It should be semi-rigid and comfortable fo you. The angle for greatest enjoyment is usually decided by trial and error.

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zille

Member

Re: Sexual question

Well, Zim, I'd say something, but berween the wise Belgereth and enthusiastic Liandra, there is not really much left to say!

The one thing I will add is that I have had lovers with not only that problem, but also with erectile issues as well.  Once they made it clear it was not me that was the problem, things went fine.  We would have penile-vaginal sex when "it" was ready, and when either "it" wasn't, or we'd been fucking for a long while and I'd come a million times but he wasn't going to, we'd either move to oral sex or have a nice kissing and cuddling session.

It's nice to have a guy come, but really, as long as you are devoted to her orgasms (and you are having a good time, even without the final "ooomph!"), that's all that matters!

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~See more of me at http://zilledefeu.com

voyeur2

Member

Re: Sexual question

Hi Zim

Waay back I had the problem of early ejaculation.  It went away with practise.  And I have been in your shoes ( well you know what I mean) about hanging fire.  For a few times - my partner was extatic.  It became a bit of a problem when friction and irritation reared their ugly heads.

I think a frank discussion on the 'problem' of making her so wet would be well recieved.  And the consequent low friction ride needs work.  Ways to sensitise you?  Tighter fits?  Various cock toys, a bit of cock and ball 'torture' might really turn you both on.  Whatever.  If she really is 'the one' and thinks you are her 'one' she will listen.  Women are really good at listening, talking problems out, looking for advice.  I see you have crossed over from the 'dork side' and she prolly knows how concerned you are.  I don't think she is worried you think she is unsexy so you can't come.  Why not ask her how she feels?  Go with the answer.

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Have I ever lied to you before?

Belgareth

Member

Re: Sexual question

It's nice to have a guy come, but really, as long as you are devoted to her orgasms (and you are having a good time, even without the final "ooomph!"), that's all that matters!

From the perspective of this male, whether or not it is a totally male perspective, I find that staying on the edge of orgasm for a long time (something I learned to do quite effectively as I got older) is more mind-blowing than the final "oomph", to the extent that, once my partner is totally satiated, I am quite happy to forget the messy bit at the end. Of course, if said partner wishes the ooomph, then it would be unfair of me to argue.

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zimbonies

Member

Re: Sexual question

First off, I have to tell you that I'm am overwhelmed at the responses I've received here.  This truly is an 'open' forum and I thank you all for the responses.

I mostly agree with Belgareth -- her and I will be able to work through this, but right now it's killing me.  We (meaning society in general I suppose) have these grandiose visions of meeting the right person, shagging to wonderful completion (unlike any that we've ever had before) and knowing instantly that they are the one for each other.
My guess is that once the butterflies in my stomach go away and things calm down, we will have the greatest sexual encounters imaginable.  Until then, it may be a bumpy ride.
Thank you Belgareth for the kind words.  My mind is more at ease now.

Liandra:
I am in no way offended or hurt by your response(s).  The reason that I had originally asked was to get the many different opinions of the various members of this forum.
I do think that if I tell her the wrong way, then she will be offended and it will crush her.
I do agree that once we (I) find the magic, it will be an open flood-gate.

To milestone:
It seems like the longer this goes on, the worse it gets.  It's kinda like "don't think about pink elephants".  I have been perseverant (we went balls-out-full-bore for a solid 30 min romp this morning -- I was drenched in sweat!) and it probably is just an issue of "mind over matter" -- maybe I need to drink more alcohol beforehand to lessen the stress?!

I'm not to sure about shoving items in my 'exit', but I have heard that this is a great way to achieve immense orgasms....

Zille:
That’s exactly what I told her (and it's very true).  I've always been about pleasuring the woman and would rather her come a trillion times to my one, but I can see her perspective as well.  She wants to please me (probably the same amount that I want to please her).  This is the potential stale-mate that we're in.

Voy:
I believe that I must discuss this with her, but how do I say "you're too wet and I don't feel it"?  That could be taken the wrong way and I certainly don't want to offend...

Oh, and a mutual ISM gang-bang may certainly help!  Knowing that everyone here is getting off at the same time may be the solution! 

Again, thank you all for the responses.  I feel much more at ease now and when the opportunity arises, I will certainly discuss it with her.  It's nice to know that I have a place to turn to for answers!

Cheers!
Zim

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"Look at da Chort?!  He's gone mad wit power!"

voyeur2

Member

Re: Sexual question

Zille:
That’s exactly what I told her (and it's very true).  I've always been about pleasuring the woman and would rather her come a trillion times to my one, but I can see her perspective as well.  She wants to please me (probably the same amount that I want to please her).  This is the potential stale-mate that we're in.

Voy:
I believe that I must discuss this with her, but how do I say "you're too wet and I don't feel it"?  That could be taken the wrong way and I certainly don't want to offend...

Cheers!
Zim

Zim.  The words you use are important, and the way you bring up the subject is equally important.  For instance, rather than "you're too wet" which seems like an accusation.  It might sound better if its "I make you so much wetter than usual in my experience It makes me very happy.  But the sensation is so slick on me I find it hard to come.  Perhaps also I get so turned on by your reaction my selfishness in coming to my own orgasm is hard to bring on."  stuff like that.  You are the one with the problem and try to make it a problem solving exercise and avoid any hint of a blame fest.  Se what she comes up with for the second coming after her first?

Oh and a bit of candle lighe, some wine and a comfy private place is a good location to talk.  very low background calm music helps too.  Mention you love her too.  Look in her eyes.

You know - be cool.

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Have I ever lied to you before?

trebora

Member

Re: Sexual question

I'd advocate liandra's suggestion but then I'd advocate her suggestion for anyone problems or no.

If you want a quick short term solution thats doesn't solve anything but does make her feel better if shes having an ego problem I'd say fake it. 

This is just a thought.  You didn't say but are you using a condom.  If you are try a differnt brand or type maybe.

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zimbonies

Member

Re: Sexual question

Well folks, the curse has been lifted!  The 'writers block' has been broken!  We talked about it yesterday and I felt much relief.  Then we spent the rest of the evening shagging!  Daddy got 3 shots on goal!  Woo Hoo!  Thank you all for the great suggestions and the confidence for me to overcome my worries!  Thank you also for the ISM orgy, which I'm sure helped!

Thanks a million!
Zim

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"Look at da Chort?!  He's gone mad wit power!"

wantingscott

Member

Re: Sexual question

hi.
has anyone ever tried any of the, i don't know what to call it, say- male pleasure wear- from www.koalaswim.com? sometimes i'm tired, and an erection seems impossible ESPECIALLY when i really need one. but something like the "eruption strap" or the "blow me" strap, with the rings, looks like it would give me a guaranteed "bon heur".

i came across the site kinda by accident...

anybody have a comment on this stuff?

wscott

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_________________________________________________
that's the way it goes. but don't forget, it goes the other way too.

voyeur2

Member

Re: Sexual question

Well folks, the curse has been lifted!  The 'writers block' has been broken!  We talked about it yesterday and I felt much relief.  Then we spent the rest of the evening shagging!  Daddy got 3 shots on goal!  Woo Hoo!  Thank you all for the great suggestions and the confidence for me to overcome my worries!  Thank you also for the ISM orgy, which I'm sure helped!

Thanks a million!
Zim

So, Dude, welcome back from the Land of The Living Dead to the Land of the High Living. 

Just curious mind you, what worked - how did it go.  Give it to us blow by blow, open up your feminine side and share info us guys can use.  We can take it, we're guys.

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Have I ever lied to you before?

zimbonies

Member

Re: Sexual question

So, Dude, welcome back from the Land of The Living Dead to the Land of the High Living. 

Just curious mind you, what worked - how did it go.  Give it to us blow by blow, open up your feminine side and share info us guys can use.  We can take it, we're guys.

Well, to begin by bearing my soul --
It was very ironic how it happened.  We were laying in bed doing the foreplay thing.  Very gently kissing and rubbing and what-not.  Then she posed the question "have you ever been in love before?".  Perfect seguay.  I said that I had THOUGHT I had been in love before, but this relationship is nothing like I'd ever experienced.  I told her that I now realize that all I had before was lust and that this (our relationship) was much deeper than that so I have a hard time reacting.  I told her that over the years I had trained myself to substitute lust for love in order to 'get off' and that it would take a while to retrain myself to do it for love (Which, by the way is the truest of statements.)  She agreed / understood and we proceeded to have a fuck-fest like none other I'd ever experienced.

So, in closing, we've had the problem since (once, last evening), but with her understanding, we have had mind-altering sex, have become even closer AND we both understand our sexual backgrounds.
I'm in heaven!

Thank you all again for the words of advice.  I may have come up with the solution eventually, but I hafta tell ya that it wouldn't have happened so quickly.

Cheers!
Zim

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"Look at da Chort?!  He's gone mad wit power!"

voyeur2

Member

Re: Sexual question

Well, to begin by bearing my soul --
It was very ironic how it happened.  We were laying in bed doing the foreplay thing.  Very gently kissing and rubbing and what-not.  Then she posed the question "have you ever been in love before?".  Perfect seguay.  I said that I had THOUGHT I had been in love before, but this relationship is nothing like I'd ever experienced.  I told her that I now realize that all I had before was lust and that this (our relationship) was much deeper than that so I have a hard time reacting.  I told her that over the years I had trained myself to substitute lust for love in order to 'get off' and that it would take a while to retrain myself to do it for love (Which, by the way is the truest of statements.)  She agreed / understood and we proceeded to have a fuck-fest like none other I'd ever experienced.

Zim

Thanx for the answer.  It was a very cool way to express yourself, and I have - its just a suspicion mind you - a thought that the clever woman was looking for a smooth way to bring the subject up.  You are a lucky guy.

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Have I ever lied to you before?

Belgareth

Member

Re: Sexual question

Well folks, the curse has been lifted!  The 'writers block' has been broken!  We talked about it yesterday and I felt much relief.  Then we spent the rest of the evening shagging!  Daddy got 3 shots on goal!  Woo Hoo!  Thank you all for the great suggestions and the confidence for me to overcome my worries!  Thank you also for the ISM orgy, which I'm sure helped!

Thanks a million!
Zim

I've been away for a few days and I have been unable to catch up on your progress Zim. My fingers have been crossed  in the hope that things were working out for you (I didn't get much of a chance at the mass orgy bit, or even a minor one). I am so pleased that the two of you are now firing on all cylinders and that you have a wonderful relationship.

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zille

Member

Re: Sexual question

Huge congrats, Zim! 

I hope you and your lady-love have a life-time of mind-blowing sex ahead of you!

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~See more of me at http://zilledefeu.com

zimbonies

Member

Re: Sexual question

Again, I wish to thank all of you for the advice and support.  We've had the best time together, and the sex has been mind-numbing!

"A tousant dank-you's!"
Zim

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"Look at da Chort?!  He's gone mad wit power!"