#1 February 1st, 2013 07:33 AM

paranoid24

Member

feminism and heterosexuality

Can you direct me to some kind of Sexual Self-Help 101 in order to make clear with what's right or wrong? I desperately look for female affection, but I'm dubious about the traditional fight or die alone system.

artemesia

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

Wat?

There's another system? I've recently contented myself to die alone, and it's kinda a catch-cri around here. But seriously paranoid24, if you're looking for female affection, can you content yourself with female friendships first and work from there?

I think that by developing friendships (real ones, not the ones where you wait for them to forget that they don't want to have sex with you?) you will learn things about yourself and about the opposite sex.

Have you any close female friends already? Maybe it's time to ask them to be honest with you (you will have to ask for honesty, women in general come from a place where making you feel comfortable and supported is utmost in their minds) about what you're doing wrong or if there are any personal habits you have that can be off-putting to the ladies. Guy friends can also be useful in this respect also.

viva

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

What is female affection? Sounds like a mythical beast.

I would consider, as Artemesia said, considering females as individuals rather than as a vague goal of something to get. I truly believe that there are multiple partners out there to suit any kind of human being, as long as that human being is not being sooky all the time and instead actively living their lives the best they can.

The first step towards getting affection, in my book, is living affection. Live love. Live compassion. Live passion, get involved, get excited about something. If you feel lonely go to events. Get active in your body so you enjoy relaxation to the max. Take your mind off the 'females', that will take the pressure off. Men and women both do not like feeling pressure from potential partners, it scares 'em right off.

But there's not really any rulebook, because you are different from me and Artemisia is different to me too. What would make her happy might make me feel insecure or overwhelmed. And viceversa.

All you can do is keep considering your own self-improvement, and maybe cut out the desperately looking for thing - in as many aspects of your life as you can.

I find that change arrives when you relax about it.

Also, I think communication and talking with the people you have access to, and in the communities you are part of, is really good, and asking for help is also really good. An open-minded anonymous internet forum like this is a really good place to talk about these things

artemesia

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

Last edited by artemesia (February 1st, 2013 11:37 PM)

paranoid24

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

You are both very helpful. It is difficult in certain situations to avoid an unbalance of emotions with respect to what is really going on and I think Viva is wise to emphasize that relations should be above all to individuals.

artemesia

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

I was really hoping paranoid, that you would share a few more details about your situation. The advice we give can only be rather random as we can only analyse the very few words you use. We don't want to put you up to scrutiny but a few more details would be helpful. Hang in there buddy, it took me ages to work out how to talk to babes too, and I still fuck it up. Often.

There's been a few articles floating around the internet that I've been trying to find for you over the weekend but I haven't been able to raise them, and other people have STILL not finished writing their zines about the issues that follow below...I will summarise the main points and maybe viva will agree to disagree with me, or not.

The first was about love and alienation. The activist community suffers greatly from this feeling (alienation), and it's important to understand how you potentially loving an activist is difficult due to the confusion they feel about the structure of the world. The nuclear family in and of itself is said to be a capitalistic construct, better to divide and conquer communities. People are told that they have to love singularly and exclusively and are socialised to this normality despite the proven need for humans to live and work and in communities, families are discouraged from operating in this way.

Alientation can also come from not understanding how society values morals such as 'hard-work', gain and status over sustainability, beauty, community and the environment. A world that confuses you with it's values, can often make you feel extremely vunerable and misunderstood, with very little space for love especially since undermining self-love is an ideal sales tactic.

Of course this does not carry for everyone. Personally, I suffer from co-dependancy, a disturbing habit which leads me to lose my own autonomy as I struggle to help those more wounded than myself.

I can go on and on and on about this topic for days paranoid. Ask me a more direct question if you want. If you struggle with how to express your feelings to someone whose company you enjoy, I'm sure we can suggest something. If it's that you look for ways to attract an inspiring mate, we might have some ideas for you too.

Here are some fine words I sung with some people on weekend; I think they summarise the ideal position from which to begin a quest for love, and it is more at what Viva hints.

I am a mountain within, I am a mountain without.

paranoid24

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

You wish I would talk more.

I'm coming to an age where sooner or later it will be no longer right to frolic for girlfriends, especially when most of the potential partners are younger. I was not really able to cruise around before, because I was not yet interested or anxious enough, and was also very inhibited socially. When my anxiety peaked, I gradually became more nervous and aggressive.

It is obvious it is almost impossible to create relations without a stable base or HQ where contacts are formally allowed, but it is not possible to create bonds in every social context. I have been hit by the notion of female passiveness in a situation where traditionally, males are expected to take all initiatives by themselves, and, when I did so, was then hit back by defiance or hostility to my sexually-loaded behaviour.

Last edited by paranoid24 (February 8th, 2013 01:45 AM)

viva

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

Sexually loaded behavior while frolicking for girlfriends does indeed sound a little bit off putting

viva

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

I stick to my original advice - chill out and make friends. Wank to take the edge off. Try very, very hard not to get angry at people based on made up ideas like female passivity - some women are passive. some are not. most are sometimes, and not at other times.

the last thing you ought to do is make sweeping gender-based generalizations to soothe your frustration - that will give you the least amount of clarity.

Clarity is what you search as it seems that your ego, your temper, and your sex drive are contributing in big ways to to distortion of your perception.

I think that when you stop seeking validation from the opposite sex, and getting mad at them when they dont exist soley to pump up your ego, you will find happy companionship <3

People like to be around happy, content people. be happy and content, and the people will come to you.

Then, new problems!

But that's life, ain't it

artemesia

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

I just realised I am probably the last person in the world to give relationship advice, having just been burnt yet again. Maybe I should start a new thread entitled what artmesia did wrong in love this time. But, what kind of advice are you really looking for here paranoid? Ways to manipulate idiots like me into bed? Sorry I can't be more positive right now, just in the throes of love related depression.

I would recommend trying a different scene with a different attitude. Aggression is something that will lead to less than nothing because women will talk to each other and share their experiences with each other about you. It's probably best to hangout with some other folk with a different attitude cause frankly if anyone tried pulling those kinds of shennagians on me or my friends you'd better believe I would slam-you-the-fuck-down.... continously and forever. At least until you had demonstrated a change (through talking to me about how you are treating your aggression related problems, and through leading an 'active (politcally?)' lifestyle).

Perhaps it's all a byproduct of how you are socialising. In Melbourne at least, there is a developing trend of finding new ways to socialise that aren't centred on alcohol or food. That is, socialising through learning or sharing your unique subset of skills. Benefit is that at least you will be demonstrating yourself as someone who is able to share and give. This could lead to something, or not, but at least a more forfulling life will be on offer.

It's the aggresion part that gets to me paranoid. I lived with an abusive partner for years, who would routinely take out his frustrations on me. And if I didn't subscribe to his world view (that he was deserving of praise for his own constricted myopic vision and his sense of entitlement) then I would be thrown into walls, made to hit myself, pushed off chairs and choked. He would tell me, that it was me, that I wasn't supporting him, but it was dangerous paranoid. There where times when he threatened to kill himself, or times when I felt like I was going to die. And the times when I thought about killing myself, him or us both. There are women like me, who have experienced violence and abuse from men who as a result are unable to have a 'normal' relationship ever again. I strongly urge you to examine yourself and seek help.

In terms of your original topic framing, the intersectionality of feminism and heterosexuality- feminists believe that women have a right not to deal with men who operate in a framwork of entitlement and aggression.

Relating aggression as a masculine 'tendency' offends me personally, but it's what I'm reading on some feminist men's blogs. I like that you are asking the question paranoid, but I really hope you listen to, acknowledge, and then deal with the issues you've brought up in your posts. I've not seen any response from you to viva's posts, which disturbs me almost as much as what I've read from you before. If you are asking the questions, then I hope you are listening to the answers too.

ps if they are good resources for men dealing with men's issues in how to resolve the issues brought up please share them. blissed, I am looking to you for help in this.

blissed

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

Ha ha OK *comes bounding in in my lumberjack shirt to give some solid man to man advice,  I cut down trees,
I wear high heels
Suspenders and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa

Some great advice from Viva (Paranoid seeing someone who teaches meditation would be a great way to relax you and chill you out). <3 <3 <3  to Artemesia your experiences with violence are horrible. Socialising without alcohol or any of the socialite franchise (try asking for a glass of milk in a nightclub) is heaven.

Paranoid millions of people your age get divorced and pay child support or look after children alone. Learn to be proud and happy alone and free in an argument free zone. Check your bank account and see that it is there to support just you. You can go anywhere you like and your life can take any turn you want. If you appreciate what you have you won't be desperate, and so you won't be angry with either yourself or anyone else if rejected because you'll always have one of 2 good options. The benefits of sharing affection or the benefits of being solo and free. 

If you want a relationship you have to want to give love. For the affection and sex you want someone has to want to give you. Long relationships are one long conversation. Short ones are short conversations. All can be good if your chilled out and happy.

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paranoid24

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

I've been disconcerted by Viva and wondering how to answer as I don't think I really have made-up idea. I've been thinking about it for the late few days. It's more like I have typical reactions to typical scenarios. Far from following a urban myth, I'm describing a living experience, although I mostly agree with her post because it was a mistake on my part to overgeneralize my experience which is limited to very anonymous environments such as bars, night clubs, etc. where unsavoury people may be found.

So the conditions are biased, but my perception was indeed egocentric in that I didn't figure out the situation from the other's perspective. There is not much difference from a lonely man to a deceitful person from the outside. When I try not to look wretched I tend to mutate to more defiant behaviour. I think testosterone may influence character, but I'm not able to confirm this by myself. Much aggressivity may as well be ego-driven, or a defensive reflex.

I don't understand the relation of marriage and non-reproductive sexual activity. I suppose it makes it more difficult to break couples, but I'm not in a position to endorse it. I think you trade a weakness for a weakness, every man for himself. There are STDs issues, and the issue that sex problems are so difficult to solve that people are happy when they are relieved, and don't want to work again to relieve their sexual tensions. I reckon some couples stop to have sex after a while because they no longer care.

Last edited by paranoid24 (February 13th, 2013 04:54 AM)

blissed

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

blissed

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

http://pinterest.com/pin/553590979165698895/

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blissed

Member

Re: feminism and heterosexuality

And another one I like too http://curvaceousdee.tumblr.com/day/2013/02/24

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